Category Effing Feline

Effing Feline’s most fun ever

I, Effing Feline, am struck by a line in the snippet I’ve chosen for your delectation today: she’d never had so much fun in her whole life as in the last ten minutes It made me think what is the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. It was the first time I xxxxxxx […]

Effing Feline blows up Hollywood

I, Effing Feline,  remember when a car exploded in the alley behind Mr Valentine’s house. True story — would I lie to you? The car was stolen, abandoned, and set on fire. When the gas exploded — and here’s the thing — it sounded like a gas oven being lit, thwump, and flames shot up […]

Effing Feline is trying. Very.

I, Effing Feline, tried to scratch my way into the innards of Mr Valentine’s couch (as I showed you last week). Mrs V is smart, though. She taped tin foil over my scratching place, trimmed my claws, and then closed the door to the family room. Here’s another snippet from Rescuing Prince Charming. Dusty Johnson, a […]

Effing Feline scratches the couch

I, Effing Feline, lost not one, not two, but three claws this morning. That may not be important to you, but to me it is a big, big relief. Furthermore, it’s a sign of my clawing prowess! You see, we cats don’t actually lose claws, only old sheaths of claws, kind of like snakes shedding […]

Effing Feline demands a new Internet

I, Effing Feline, think the Internet is stupid. Last week I asked you readers to send me food so I survive the diet I’ve been forced onto. But know what? And it’s really, really dumb . . . The only thing you can send over the Internet are electrons. I can’t eat &^%$#* electrons!!! While […]

Effing Feline makes resolutions

I, Effing Feline, have made New Year’s resolutions. I shall, of course, keep them even if weak-willed humans fail with theirs: I know I have a rough tongue (hey, I’m a cat!), but in the new year I shall always be nice, never snarky I’ve been called a narcissist. Never again! I shall always care […]

Effing Feline feels depressed

I, Effing Feline, am depressed. And sad. And bereft. Forlorn, miserable, and heartbroken, even. Sigh. For over a week, the house was filled with Hoornaerts — Mr Valentine’s three sons visited, after traveling over 20,000 miles for the holidays, and his daughter’s family came from a couple miles away. Even though they wasted far too […]

Bah Humbug! #mfrwbookhooks

Effing Feline here. I write a weekly blog post for my pet human, Ed Hoornaert. He “asked” (more like ordered) me to fill in today because he’s “busy,” he says, with his three sons who flew 10,000 total miles to visit at Christmas, one way. As if that’s any excuse for sloughing the work onto […]

Effing Feline’s Christmas list

Merry Christmas, everyone. (If necessary, please substitute the name of an analogous holiday celebrated on your planet.) I, Effing Feline, am one heck of a tough cat . . . but even I made out a list for Santy Claws. I’m going to share it with you, just in case you haven’t bought for me […]

Effing Feline spills Santa’s dark secret

I, Effing Feline, have enjoyed telling the world about the feline source of Christmas traditions. Today I’m going to debunk one of the biggest lies of the season. Santa Claus. The truth is, Santa isn’t real. No mere human is that good and generous. Instead, the legend is based on the saintly life of a […]