Category #8Sunday

Effing Feline is starving

I, Effing Feline, am starving. Mr V (my pet human) thinks I ate too much over the holidays, so he’s put me on a diet. He’s starting to call me Jabba the Cat. How humiliating. I’m sure you’ll agree that I don’t need to lose weight! So I’m asking you — begging you! — to […]

Effing Feline makes resolutions

I, Effing Feline, have made New Year’s resolutions. I shall, of course, keep them even if weak-willed humans fail with theirs: I know I have a rough tongue (hey, I’m a cat!), but in the new year I shall always be nice, never snarky I’ve been called a narcissist. Never again! I shall always care […]

Effing Feline feels depressed

I, Effing Feline, am depressed. And sad. And bereft. Forlorn, miserable, and heartbroken, even. Sigh. For over a week, the house was filled with Hoornaerts — Mr Valentine’s three sons visited, after traveling over 20,000 miles for the holidays, and his daughter’s family came from a couple miles away. Even though they wasted far too […]

Effing Feline’s Christmas list

Merry Christmas, everyone. (If necessary, please substitute the name of an analogous holiday celebrated on your planet.) I, Effing Feline, am one heck of a tough cat . . . but even I made out a list for Santy Claws. I’m going to share it with you, just in case you haven’t bought for me […]

Effing Feline spills Santa’s dark secret

I, Effing Feline, have enjoyed telling the world about the feline source of Christmas traditions. Today I’m going to debunk one of the biggest lies of the season. Santa Claus. The truth is, Santa isn’t real. No mere human is that good and generous. Instead, the legend is based on the saintly life of a […]

Effing improves Frosty

I, Effing Feline, told you last week how the song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer should actually be Ildephonse the Red-Nosed Kit Cat. Today I set the record straight about another Christmas song that fails to give cats their due. Here’s a clue to the song I’m talking about: Before I disclose the name of the […]

Effing Feline and Ildephonse: Countdown Day -1

I, Effing Feline, have gotten interested in tracking down my ancestors, and I’ve discovered some cats who are worthy of my bloodline. This cat has suffered from horrible press, with some random ungulate stealing his glory. All cats, but few humans, realize that the ungulate was a mere spectator, but he hoofed it quickly to […]

Effing Feline Cringes

I, Effing Feline, have gotten interested in tracking down my ancestors, and I’ve discovered some cats who are worthy of my bloodline — well as some who are NOT. Clearly, my ancestors must not only have superior intelligence but also je ne sais quoi. That’s Cattish for dignity and gravitas. At the end of this […]

Effing Feline resembles a clarinet

I, Effing Feline, have gotten interested in tracking down my ancestors, and I’ve discovered some cats who are worthy of my bloodline. Today’s ancestor comes from the Russian Blue line of the family, though I can’t recall any contact with President Trump’s campaign. It’s the cat from Peter and the Wolf. The music is by […]

Effing Feline has a new hobby

I, Effing Feline, have gotten interested in tracking down my ancestors, and I’ve discovered some cats who are worthy of my bloodline. Like Bucky B. Katt. He’s described on his Wiki page as selfish, cynical, and lazy — my hero! Some say Bucky isn’t real, a mere creation for the Get Fuzzy comic strip, but such […]