Effing Feline finds a use for pizza #wewriwa

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, love my role models. You probably know one of them — Garfield. I have tried hard to emulate his wonderfully feline attitudes toward life and human beans.

And pizza. You see, Garfield loves pizza.

In this regard, though, I fail my hero. The only pizza I really like is meat pizza, without the pizza. However, I’ve found a use for pizza. I’ll tell you about it after this word from my sponsor, The Saint of Quarantine Island.

Janet Davis has mindlessly followed the man labelled the Saint of Gilford Island to his hotel room.. Last week she unzipped her dress, asserting herself after learning of her husband’s infidelity with her friend. Skipping the removal of all her remaining clothes — you aren’t interested in stuff like that, are you? — here we see how she feels when the saint doesn’t respond how she expects.

Why didn’t he do something, say something? Wink, even. She’d settle for a wink. Why didn’t he wink?

Because he was a saint and not just an ordinary guy the media had slapped a label onto to capture clicks and views? A real, true saint? Incorruptible?

Which made her what? Jezebel?

I hate to burden you with too much reading (there are a lot more snippets to get to), but here are a few more.

His throat bobbed as he met her gaze. Yet still he sat on the bed, visibly aroused but doing nothing about it.

That was when she knew.

Knew that this was really and truly a mistake. Worse than a mistake — it proved she was dead. Shriveled up and dead.

Janet Davis was deceased.

Or at least old, and that was the same thing, wasn’t it? The beauty who could twirl any man around her little finger with a seductive smile . . .that woman had died of old age.

She closed her eyes and stifled a sob.

Effing Feline here again. Tonight, Mr. Valentine and family are ordering pizza. I won’t eat any of it (sorry, Garfield!), but this pic from the Internet has given me an idea I want to try. But only if the pizza is nice and warm!

Wish me luck!

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

The Saint of Quarantine Island

Maybe you’ve read about viruses that turn people into zombies. But how about a virus that turns people into madmen, some of whom become creative geniuses?

Spurred by her husband’s infidelity and haunted by abandoned aspirations, a suburban housewife smuggles herself into a wilderness quarantine. By catching the disease, she hopes to write a book that’ll redeem her empty life — and maybe, just maybe, she’ll find love with the man they call the Saint of Gilford Island. She’d once spent a memorable though oddly chaste night with him. Surely he’ll help her build a new life.

But exile on an island of madmen is crueler than any suburban daydream. Instead of a quiet writing retreat, she finds pirates who steal everything but the clothes on her back … an arrogant Cambridge scientist who wants to whisk her away to the London of an alternate Earth … a troubled Indian boy who becomes a surrogate son … a licentious cult leader who kidnaps her.

They’re all periodically insane then sane and back again – and so will she be, if she catches the Fireworks virus. Is writing a book really worth such a risk?

What about true love?

27 comments

  1. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Effing is going to have to clean the pizza off, or settle for a bath. Maybe sitting in the pizza box isn’t a good idea.

    And I hope this journey helps Janet to find a different way to determine her self-worth.

    1. Ed Judi Hoornaert · · Reply

      Ah, your speculating about what the theme of the book is. I like such speculation.

  2. Effing, that looks really messy! Nothing worse than cheese-matted cat fur.

    1. Of course there’s something worse! Cheese-matted DOG fur.

  3. Oh no, I hope there’ll be a chance to change her opinion of herself. I hope he’ll say something or do something soon.

    1. Ed Judi Hoornaert · · Reply

      It’s a long book so yes, there’s a chance.

  4. nancygideon · · Reply

    What a powerful revelation for her. Now she can start living again. Great job. Only one of my cats eats people food and he would make quick use of those leftovers. Ha ha – as if we ever have leftovers where pizza is concerned. Now I want pizza . . . for breakfast.

    1. Get an extra-large. That increases the chance you’ll have leftovers.

  5. Oh dear, that’s a devastating realization for her.

    1. Ed Judi Hoornaert · · Reply

      It helps to explain why she made the decision to go to the Gilford Island quarantine for a fatal disease.

  6. She is such a MIXED UP person. Good grief. Yet you make her very interesting because I never know what she’ll do or think next…quite the snippet today – you always deliver a good read!

    1. Yes, it’s safe to say Janet is very . . . unstable.

  7. And now begins the rebirth of the real Janet. I’m starting to understand how she decides to go to the crazy people island. Great snippet!

    1. She kind of belongs there, doesn’t she.

  8. Cathy Brockman · · Reply

    Tell feline he gets a bath if he sleeps on pizza. Maybe he will change his mind.
    Poor Janet.

    1. But just imagine how fun Effing will have licking his paws.

  9. Elaine Cantrell · · Reply

    That’s really embarrassing for her. Cringe worthy for sure and bad for her ego.

    1. Yes, it is. I really tortured the poor woman.

  10. Janet sets herself an impossible mission–to seduce a saint. So she should have expected to fail but instead blames herself. She does have serious self-image problems, doesn’t she? Does she expect to solve those too out on Quarantine Island? Or does the madness take care of that automatically? Great snippet, Ed!

    1. She’s so driven by the impulses of the moment that she doesn’t have a clear plan.

  11. lol. I love this scene! Death by…passing time and fading beauty. Excellent writing, Ed!

    Oy! Effing, a seat warmer??? lolol You might give your pet human furballs eating that pizza.

    1. No way am I eating any more of that pizza!

  12. Just remember Effing, you will have to self-clean it all out of your fur.

    I love the line “Janet Davis was deceased.” So much meaning here. It’s like the doorway to her new life.

    1. Yes, and the doorway leads to a dark room containing she knows not what.

  13. Myself, I don’t care if I’m old and dead so long as I have pizza.
    Living out here in the middle of nowhere, I’m going to have to learn to make my own. I’m 50 miles from the nearest city.
    None of my cats ever managed to sit in the pizza, but they always liked sitting on top of the warm box. Which was not helpful.
    ~Cie from Naughty Netherworld Press~

  14. He has to say something. Right? Great snippet.

    1. Ed Judi Hoornaert · · Reply

      But not at all what you would ever expect!

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