Effing Feline is NOT a cannibal! #wewriwa

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, have made a horrifying discovery. As a result, I’ll eat nothing except what Ed eats from now on. H was cooking the other day. (He usually cooks; poor Judi!) One ingredient he put in the fry pan was labelled corn syrup. We cats are curious, you know –it’s what killed Uncle Ildephonse — so I read the label. It struck horror into my soul.

Corn syrup is made from corn, not syrup for corn. Raisin bran is made from raisins, not for raisins!

Then I looked the food in my dish. It’s cat food!

More on this horror after this word from my sponsor, The Saint of Quarantine Island.

Janet has finally gotten into Billy’s house, because the door has no lock, which strikes her as uncivilized. When he spots her, he picks up something. Was he about to throw a knife at her?

But instead of throwing the game controller, he held it as though playing, pressing buttons with awkward, frigid movements. He moved the joystick from side to side, guiding a fantasy game piece through imaginary gyrations. When he growled, she realized he expected her to move. She watched the joystick and moved to her left. Then her right. Left, up, down. It was almost fun. When he jerked the joystick to her right too quickly for her to follow, though, she giggled.

Billy scowled. He pressed a button then looked at her. Pressed it again. Looked at her. “You d-didn’t explode.” His teeth were chattering so much he stuttered.

“I’m not very good at exploding.”

Effing Feline here again. I’m on a purring strike until Ed starts feeding me from his own plate. None of this cat food!

Oh no! I had a horrible thought. What if Ed eats cats? What if that’s the reason he’s fattening me up! Help, help, save me!

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

The Saint of Quarantine Island

Maybe you’ve read about viruses that turn people into zombies. But how about a virus that turns people into madmen, some of whom become creative geniuses?

Spurred by her husband’s infidelity and haunted by abandoned aspirations, a suburban housewife smuggles herself into a wilderness quarantine. By catching the disease, she hopes to write a book that’ll redeem her empty life — and maybe, just maybe, she’ll find love with the man they call the Saint of Gilford Island. She’d once spent a memorable though oddly chaste night with him. Surely he’ll help her build a new life.

But exile on an island of madmen is crueler than any suburban daydream. Instead of a quiet writing retreat, she finds pirates who steal everything but the clothes on her back … an arrogant Cambridge scientist who wants to whisk her away to the London of an alternate Earth … a troubled Indian boy who becomes a surrogate son … a licentious cult leader who kidnaps her.

They’re all periodically insane then sane and back again – and so will she be, if she catches the Fireworks virus. Is writing a book really worth such a risk?

What about true love?

37 comments

  1. A+ for her reply 🙂

    1. She has a nice sense of humor, like when she said I wonder what the O stands for in Oh, bugger shit.

  2. Please don’t worry, Effing. You’re far too valuable as a blog assistant to be in danger!

    1. You’re right, of course, Lisabet. But some days . . .

  3. Poor Effing! He must stay alert, just in case. As for the snippet, loved how she managed to read into what he wanted and that final reply was fantastic.

    1. She’s being playful, almost child-like. That’s Janet, all right.

  4. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Poor Effing! All he needs to do is read the ingredients. As for Janet, I wonder what she’ll do. Love her reaction though!

    1. Your suggestion about reading the ingredients is excellent. When I feed him, I’ll put the can down on the floor beside his dish.

  5. nancygideon · · Reply

    LOL! Really like her for playing along. Poor Billy. He’s really out of touch. Effing, that’s why I put all my cats’ food in tubs immediately and throw away the bags. What they don’t know won’t have the vomiting in my shoes!

    1. Congratulations for outsmarting your cats!

  6. I can see my skittish feral cat White Shoes, who comes every evening to eat dinner on my stoop, thinking like Effing if he knew it’s called cat food.

    I love the final lines of your snippet. Billy needs to learn the difference between reality and fantasy.

    1. The made-up disease is based on Bipolar. When Billy’s in the manic phase of his disease, he has a very hard time knowing what’s real and what isn’t — but Janet is a good influence on him in this regard. Eventually.

  7. julieevelynjoyce · · Reply

    Video games would be way more fun if everyone reacted the way Janet does. And Effing…poor, dear, innocent Effing. Clearly, your owner needs to change the labels on your food. FOR cats, not FROM cats.

    1. Good idea re: cat food cans. I get a black marker and make some changes to them.

  8. Jenna Jaxon · · Reply

    Very cute snippet! I do wonder if being deemed a genius is worth losing your grip on reality. And to Effing–maybe try dog food! Get revenge on the whole species! LOL

    1. Effing likes the way you think . . . except he’s not willing to touch dog food.

  9. Fabulous last line! 🙂

    1. A lot of times I have a good idea which lines Writing Warriors will comment on. Not this week, though!

  10. That was rather rude of him to try to blow her up. Fun snippet!

    1. Billy is not known for his good manners.

  11. Give Effing some dog food!
    Re the snippet – do you mean this crazy island has electric power?

    1. In the next chapter, we learn that Billy has his own generator.

      As for the island as a whole, parts of it have power. Kendo Carlisle, the story’s titular love interest, is an engineer who has voluntarily come to the island to improve its infrastructure — roads, water supply, electricity, etc..

  12. Love the last line!

    1. Hmm. It could be interesting, you know, to write a character who WAS good at exploding.

  13. Oh that was a weird little creepy yet amusing very effective scene! Wow, this story takes some twists and turns for sure.I salute your imagination! Great snippet.

    1. And I salute yours right back. I enjoy your writing, Jean/Veronica.

  14. Ya, I feel for Billy. I have tried that remote thing with my kids… nope, nada, zilch. I wouldn’t dare try it on the wife. And maybe if you try giving Effing bird feed for a week he will notice that it is in fact not made from birds and be begging for his cat food once again.

  15. I like your suggestion about giving Effing bird seed . . . but I’m not sure he’d eat it!

  16. I love this scene! You did such a great job os writing Billy crazy!

    1. I’ve been told I have a knack for writing the POV of a mentally disturbed person. I’m sure that says nothing at all about me personally.

  17. Elaine Cantrell · · Reply

    Love that last line.

    1. Cool! Thanks, Elaine.

  18. I love her sense of humor in all this. 🙂

    1. A sense of humor could be essential to survival, I think.

  19. I chuckled at the last the last line! I think her sense of humour may serve her well here.

    1. She’ll undoubtedly need her sense of humour!

      1. I suspect lots of interesting interactions between them are around the corner lol

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