Effing Feline eats garlic #wewriwa

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, will never understand humans. Not that I want to, mind you.

My pet human, Ed, mentioned that he’s been getting emails asking him to donate blood. In this cat’s opinion, he’s relatively sane, for a human. But why would any living creature part with its life’s blood? And what kind of monster would ask him to?

OMG. I just figured out what kind of monster! I’ll tell you after this word from my sponsor, The Saint of Quarantine Island.

After young Billy jumps off the cliff, the boat’s driver decides Janet has to haul Billy into the dinghy and row him to his floathouse. Beware a bit of bad language ahead, for Janet has already learned that the driver’s characteristic curse is bugger shit.

Billy didn’t look well, but she could do this — save a life. She’d never come close to doing such a thing, although when she’d donated blood she liked to think she was saving someone. This was different, though. Real and immediate, wooden-oar-pressing-flesh real. She, Janet Davis, was saving someone’s life.

The supply boat had drifted away from the dinghy, but the driver still watched them.

 “What’s your name?” she asked him as she rowed. Her voice was a hollow, empty whisper — some trick of the water and the cliff, no doubt. Either that or fear. Remember me, she wanted to add but didn’t.

 And a few more:

 “Oh, bugger shit, lady.”

Tears came to Janet’s eyes, but she kept rowing. “I wonder what the ‘O’ stands for,” she said to herself. “Omar? Ozymandias?”

And she smiled.

Effing Feline here again. The monster that’s been emailing Ed asking for a blood donation must be a VAMPIRE! They’re real, real! Quick, everybody, chew four cloves of garlic!

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

The Saint of Quarantine Island

Maybe you’ve read about viruses that turn people into zombies. But how about a virus that turns people into madmen, some of whom become creative geniuses?

Spurred by her husband’s infidelity and haunted by abandoned aspirations, a suburban housewife smuggles herself into a wilderness quarantine. By catching the disease, she hopes to write a book that’ll redeem her empty life — and maybe, just maybe, she’ll find love with the man they call the Saint of Gilford Island. She’d once spent a memorable though oddly chaste night with him. Surely he’ll help her build a new life.

But exile on an island of madmen is crueler than any suburban daydream. Instead of a quiet writing retreat, she finds pirates who steal everything but the clothes on her back … an arrogant Cambridge scientist who wants to whisk her away to the London of an alternate Earth … a troubled Indian boy who becomes a surrogate son … a licentious cult leader who kidnaps her.

They’re all periodically insane then sane and back again – and so will she be, if she catches the Fireworks virus. Is writing a book really worth such a risk?

What about true love?

29 comments

  1. Okay, I’d like to see a cat eat garlic… my cats hate it.

    Maybe THEY’RE vampires…!

    Happy Sunday!

    1. Well, cats’ve got fangs. I think you’re right about them being vampires. And you’ll notice that Effing never said HE was going to eat garlic. That also goes along with them being vampires. I think you’re definitely on to something, Lisabet..

  2. Hahaha! Effing, you crack me u!

    “I wonder what the ‘O’ stands for.” lolol I love the humor infused into this story!

    1. I had to go through a few contortions to make this joke work. You see, I’ve never heard of a NW Coast native named Oscar or Ozymandias, so I had to make up a nickname, rather than change this joke.

  3. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Janet is in for a big surprise when he gets in the dingy, I’m sure.

    And I love garlic! I just wish it kept the bugs away the way it’s supposed to do with vampires.

    1. You love garlic? You do realize, don’t you, that the legend about garlic and vampires stems from the idea that the smell is so horrific it would drive away everyone, even a vampire?

  4. Charmaine Gordon July 26-4:17 a.m. I always get a kick out of your snippets, my friend. Nobodt does it better.

    1. Thanks as always.

  5. nancygideon · · Reply

    this is laugh out loud, Ed! And Effing is pretty amewzing, himself. I’m really beginning to like the heroine!

    1. At first I thought you had a typo. Then I got a laugh out of amewzing. Good one!

  6. Effing scores again.
    I’m glad Janet has a sense of humor. She’ll probably need it!

    1. I don’t know if it works, but those last two lines are intended to redeem Janet, who has up to now been kind of whiny and incompetent.

  7. I wonder what the ‘O’ stands for – LOL! Great line.

  8. Ha, ha. I was wondering if she’s been infected already!

    1. I can see why you might wonder. She acts a little . . . off at times. But there’s an explanation for that, revealed much later.

  9. She always seems just this side of clueless, I do have to say, falling for such an old joke/trick…but you make the scene very believable! She was so busy congratulating herself for saving a life (nut sure she can really take the credit but…) great snippet.

    1. The poor woman is totally out of her depth up here in the wilderness.

  10. What does the ‘O’ stand for… I just cracked up. Love the humor.

    1. Just so long as you realize this is at heart a serious story . . .

  11. Is there a magical quality to four cloves? Would we be vulnerable if we only chewed two or three? I’m asking for a friend. And I am anxious to see if Billy heard her and his reply if he did.

    1. Hey, ask Effing about the magic number four, not me. I know nothing about it!

  12. Elaine Cantrell · · Reply

    Humorous! Nicely done.

    1. Thanks, Elaine!

  13. Cathy Brockman · · Reply

    I love this story. Each week I just want more. Silly feline, but I do agree with him.

    1. Wow. That’s great to hear!

  14. I love her line, “I wonder what the ‘O’ stands for.” Sometimes humor is the only way to get through a tough situation.

    1. It’s also a good way to end a chapter!

  15. Humour added nicely, but I liked her reaction of “saving” someone.

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