Effing Feline rants about social distancing #wewriwa

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, want to tell you what hisses me off about Ed, my pet human. He’s getting tired of being home so much, of not seeing other people, of not being able to go to a store and buy things he wants. Well, I say

TOUGH KIBBLE!

Welcome to my life, Ed. We house cat always have to stay in the house. I never get to socialize. I never get to go to the store to buy things. Sigh.

I now interrupt by rant for a snippet from Ed’s manuscript, Never Saw a Purple Cow.

You’ve read about viruses that turn people into zombies. But how about one that turns people into geniuses? Janet Davis, a beautiful 44-year old suburbanite, abandons her husband, her luxurious LA home, even her life to risk madness and death on a quarantined island in the northern wilderness. She’s on a small supply boat and the drive is trying to talk her out of going to Gilford Island.

“You a poet?” he asked.

She shook her head.

“Painter, and hoping Fireworks will turn you into another Rembrandt?”

She didn’t have to answer or pretend to be polite, did she? Wasn’t she close enough to death to indulge herself with that little grace? So she said nothing, just pictured his dark hands flowing over her alabaster breasts.

Alabaster breasts? Lord, even she could write better than that.

Effing Feline here again. I’m open to suggestions of what I should buy if I could browse through a store. Hey, a cat can dream, right?

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

Never Saw a Purple Cow

Purple Cow: someone who not only doesn’t fit in, they stand out like a . . .  well like a purple cow in a dairy herd.

Grade-A example: beautiful middle-aged suburbanite Janet Davis choosing to live among the creative but insane quarantinees of remote Gilford Island.

Grape flavored milk, anyone?

35 comments

  1. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    So, what does she want? To write a bestseller?

    1. She has an MFA, so she yearns to write a Great Book, not necessarily a bestseller.

  2. Tough kibble! I think I might borrow that phrase!

    1. Steal, not borrow! Remember what TS Eliot said about great writers.

  3. nancygideon · · Reply

    I feel her pain. Pretending to be polite is not my favorite place to be, either. Listen to the Hisser, Ed, and just stay in! Though Stubbs says to tell Effing that a leash in the backyard isn’t bad when one can eat grass and throw it up later in the middle of the night!

    1. Stubbs sounds like a wise cat — not like Effing, who’s a wiseguy cat.

  4. Diane Burton · · Reply

    First, stay home, like you’re doing, Ed. After more than a month, even I (the original hermit) want to get out, though shopping is not on my fav list of things to do when the quarantine is over. Listen to Effing. Great snippet. We’re getting another glimpse into her emotions. Has she been celibate so long she’s fantasizing? Can’t wait until she gets to the island.

    1. She lives in her own head a lot, hence the fantasies.

  5. julieevelynjoyce · · Reply

    😀 Great snippet! I love her inner dialogue. As for you, Effing, I think, if you ever happen to find yourself in a store, you should buy all kinds of breakable things and then push them off tables and smash them into millions of pieces whilst Ed takes a video.

    1. You’ve really managed to get into Effing’s way of thinking, Julie. You should see a doctor about that.

  6. You certainly portray her inner emotional struggles vividly!

    1. An important thing about this chapter is the mood it sets, which is something I’d never even attempt in one of my SFRs, which are lighter and not so contemplative.

  7. I’m starting to wonder if the island enflames the passions as well as the inner genius. Or maybe she’s always that way? Either way, I’m very curious to know what’s going on here.

    1. This is the “before” part of the novel’s “before and after,” so this is her in her natural state. Almost natural, that is. She’s reeling after learning of her husband’s infidelity.

  8. We’re getting to know her more and her fantasies. 🙂

    1. Lots of fantasies. Will she be able to harness those fantasies and put them into writing?

  9. Great internal thought – how many times have we writers thought – yikes we can write better than that. Which makes her thought so real.
    Tweeted.

    1. The audience for this blog hop sure can identify with a writer’s urges.

  10. Interesting. Looking forward to see where this goes. I like the concept of the story.

    1. I’m so glad you like the concept. It asks the question, “How far would you go and what risks are you willing to take for your art?”

  11. Alabaster breasts? I love it! I also love the idea of a virus turning people into geniuses.

    1. But alabaster is a cold, hard rock!

  12. Cathy Brockman · · Reply

    I liked her inner thoughts and actually liked alabaster breasts…
    Effing is right stay home and he could buy a fluffy new cat bed, treats or cat toys LOL That is what all mine would do as if they needed more LOL

    1. I’m surprised no one’s mentioned catnip.

  13. She is definitely getting worked up. … And Effing… good luck finding TP to shred for Ed to clean up.

    1. If Effing buys toilet paper, I’m not letting him shred it!

  14. Boy, she’s not letting that fantasy go, is she? But yeah, she should watch the purple prose–even from a purple cow, so to speak. Let Effing shop on the internet, although I think it should be more window shopping than actual buying if you want to have any money left by the time this is over. LOL Stay safe, Ed and Effing!

    1. The problem with Effing shopping on the Internet is that he doesn’t have a credit card — and I want to keep it that way.

  15. I love the sarcasm at the end lol

    Keep smiling,
    Yawatta

    1. As I said in another comment, she has a masters of fine arts degree and adopted her teachers’ attitudes about literature, so she yearns to write exquisite and stunningly original similes and metaphors. This one isn’t up to the standards she expects of herself. But don’t worry, her expectations will come down to earth before the book’s over.

  16. interesting little snippet, interesting character with a lot of sass.

    1. LOL, though unintentional. I used to live on GIlford island, which I’ve here turned into a quarantine island. A ‘neighbour’ (whom you needed a boat to visit) had tamed the local deer and threatened to shoot anyone who hunted them. Since everyone believed him, the deer would come up to you begging for food, or even walk into your house if you left the door open. And one of the deer was name Sassy!

  17. That boat driver is kind of snarky. I don’t think she has to be polite to him. lol

    Effing…Effing… If only you had opposable thumbs, then you could shop for yourself…

    Or, if you had a slave human to do it for you…

    Wait… You already do. 😉

    1. Ahem. Calling me Effing’s slave human — now THAT is snarky!

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