I, Effing Feline, am furious. And determined. Last week Lisabet — whom I thought a friend because she has featured me on her website — rubbed my nose in the fact that I’ve never caught a mouse.
In my defense, Mrs Valentine is too good a housekeeper to ever allow mice in her home, and since I’m a house cat, that kinda limits my opportunities. But this means war — I’m gonna get me a mouse or die trying!
But first, a word from our sponsor, The Solid Gold Aliens. Naive shepherd Tresky Buffrum meets beautiful Ebbril and marries her the very next day. But she takes his money and abandons him at The Happy Louse Inn. He waits all day on a slotporch, in case she returns — and to his surprise, she does. Instead of apologizing, though, she defends herself aggressively. Tresky’s last complaint was “But the Happy Louse,” he said, hating the whine in his voice but unable to help it.
“It was cheap and I need to watch my money.”
“By the customs of my people, property is held in common by man and wife. The moment we married, your money became mine, legally and morally. And there’s not much left.”
“What? How can you have spent it all in one day? There was enough to live on for months!”
“But scarcely enough to get me where I’m going.”
This was happening too fast. He hadn’t adjusted to her return, yet she was already leaving? Gasparre women were domineering — they wore the skirts in the family — yet they were nothing compared to Ebbril. His head throbbed again. “Mind telling me where we’re going?”
Effing Feline here again. I’ve completed my preparations for mouse hunting. Think I’ll have any luck?
The Solid Gold Aliens
For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .
All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the life of a shepherd. What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to the Midas Crater, where hundreds of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.
Everyone on the caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.
Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite stern taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humans from a blast of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?