Effing Feline leaves a tip #wewriwa

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, have spent the last month trying to become independent of humans by learning how to open cat food cans. I’ve decided there’s an easier way, though — Let Ed open the cans, fill my bowl, and clean the bowl when I’m done.

What’s that you say? That’s what I was doing before?

There’s a difference! Now I’ll accept the food like a proper cat — as though it’s my due and Ed is nothing more than hired help. To prove my point, I’ll even leave him a tip. Any suggestions how much I should leave?

Now a word from our sponsor, The Solid Gold AliensNaive shepherd Tresky Buffrum meets beautiful Ebbril and marries her the very next day. But she takes his money and abandons him at The Happy Louse Inn. He waits all day on a slotporch, in case she returns — and to his surprise, she does. Instead of apologizing, though, she defends herself aggressively.

“Let me tell you something about me, Tresky Buffrum. I’m a very moral person, possibly the most righteous person you’ve ever met, and I have overwhelming reasons for what I do — better reasons than you can imagine or even understand. It was necessary to leave you alone this morning, but I can’t, and won’t, explain myself.”

“But, Ebbril –”

“I won’t explain further.”

“But –”

“No ‘buts,’ Tresky.”

He fumed, torn between wanting to quarrel and wanting to believe her proud declaration. It was hard, though, to imagine anyone more righteous than his mother, a respected rancher and matriarch who was too honorable to get someone drunk, rob him, and abandon him.

“But the Happy Louse,” Tresky said, hating the whine in his voice but unable to help it.

Effing Feline here again. I’ve decided on the tip I’ll leave. After each meal, I shall leave Ed . . .

A hair ball. Perfect, no?

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

The Solid Gold Aliens

For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .

All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the life of a shepherd.  What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to the Midas Crater, where hundreds of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.

Everyone on the caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.

Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite stern taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humans from a blast of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?

40 comments

  1. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Seems like he still has a lot to learn about his new wife.

    1. Yeah, like . . . everything.

  2. Nothing like a good, solid hairball to start the day off right!

    There’s always the dead mouse, when you’ve received extra good service…

    1. Oh dear . . . I’m afraid you may have rubbed the scab off one of Effing’s sore spots. He has never, ever, managed to catch a mouse!

  3. I love the characterization going on in this snippet! lol The arguing, the whine in his voice. Too funny! She already wears the pants. 🙂

    Effing, a tip for Ed… Let me see. Spring is just around the corner. How about, “Ed, sow your corn early.”?

    Sorry. lol I’ve heard that “tip” SO many times from my husband. It really is more fun giving than receiving.

    1. Another good tip: Seabiscuit in the fourth race.

  4. Poor Tresky – I don’t think his mother would approve of him giving in. Or would she?? PS – Effing. Hairballs are perfect. Humans that live with cats love them!

    1. Sheila, you’re encouraging him. Stop it.

      As for Tresky’s mum . . . Planet Jones is inhabited by very distinct tribes. The tribe he’s from is very matriarchal — the men are henpecked and submissive while the women wear the skirts in the family. None of that has made it into the snippets, but it helps explain his behavior.

  5. I can see the look that must be on his face as he’s comparing his mom to Ebbril. Great eight!

  6. I’ve heard of a man taking over a woman -my father was just like that but a woman takes over and WOW!. Actually women often take over and there is when trouble happens.

    1. The women in Tresky’s people are very much in charge, while the men are henpecked and submissive.

  7. The Happy Louse! lol – almost as bad as a wet hairball.

    1. At least somebody in that inn is happy.

  8. What an Odd Couple! I so enjoy his confusion.

    1. These two have their issues, that’s for sure.

  9. Nothing like being cut off when you want to argue – but – no buts – but – arrgh!!!
    Great excerpt.
    Tweeted.

    1. The best thing you can say to a person who wants to argue is nothing. It drives them crazy.

  10. julieevelynjoyce · · Reply

    Lol love the dialogue and how much it reveals about each character. Our dear departed MoJo used to leave us the innards of various animals he’d eaten as “tips.” Usually on our doormat outside, but sometimes in the house, too. How lucky we were…

    1. The cat we had as a kid brought mice into the house and once even a live, but crippled bird. I don’t think mum like that cat much.

  11. I’m really wondering how these two ever got together in the first place. She must see something in him she needs.

    Ed, if you’re short on hairballs, I have four cats, so I can send you some.

    1. If Effing runs out of furballs I’ll be in touch.

    2. Oh yes, she sees something in him she needs. It begins with the letter $.

  12. Trying to remain optomisticlaly cautious. But it always becomes dangerous when a man compares a woman to his mother…

  13. I’m having a hard time believing Ebbril myself, although her insistence on the purity of her motives and actions is fascinating. This is really a situation where the reader HAS to keep reading LOL. Well done!

    1. They view this situation so differently they might as well be from different planets.

      Oh, wait — they ARE from different planets. He just doesn’t know it yet.

  14. He’s just not going to win, is he! Effing – I hate to say it but Ed might not actually appreciate that sort of tip! 🙂

  15. No, he’s not going to win this argument or almost any other . . . which just makes his final victory at the end more compelling, I hope.

  16. He doesn’t know his wife very well, does he? lol I’m curious to know more about her and what she’s up to.

    1. This is what happens when you marry a woman you just met.

  17. Elaine Cantrell · · Reply

    I suppose I might whine too if I were him. Things haven’t exactly turned out like he expected.

    1. It’s fair to say that the rest of his life won’t go as planned.

  18. Diane Burton · · Reply

    LOL at Effing and his acceptance of your service, Ed. A tip? Really???

    Love the dialogue between Tresky and Ebbril. Such a twist with an alpha female and a milquetoast male. I have to read this.

    1. You are a woman of impeccable taste.

  19. Cathy Brockman · · Reply

    My cats like tipping me too. Great post and excerpt.

    1. Cats are the original hackers, aren’t they?

  20. Loved the tense conversation. Motivated to read more.

    Keep smiling,
    Yawatta

    1. Ah, the stresses and strains of marriage to a virtual stranger who doesn’t necessarily want the same things you do.

  21. Interesting snippet. Hard to when you want to believe / trust someone but at the same time curiosity is nagging at you.

    1. Poor Tresky, right?

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