Effing Feline sobs #wewriwa

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, am still trying to become independent of humans by learning how to open cat food cans. Last week, I hit on the brilliant idea of chucking a spear at the can to burst it open. There’s just one little problem.

Without  opposable thumbs, I can’t hold the spear to throw it. But do you think that will stop me? Hah!

Now a word from our sponsor, The Solid Gold AliensWhen Tresky Buffrum meets beautiful Ebbril and marries her the very next day. But she takes his money and abandons him at The Happy Louse Inn.

Determined to stay close in case she returns, the loyal but naive Tresky climbs up to a ‘slothporch’ overlooking it. Surprisingly, the sloth (a 9 foot long intelligent native) does nothing other than stare at him.

He leaned back, closed his eyes, and tried not to think; he succeeded for a long time.

“Tresky,” a voice called from the square, “what are you doing up there?”

Ebbril? — he opened his eyes, wanting to believe, and it was Ebbril; “You came back?”

“Of course I came back.”

She swung a huge pack off her back, knocking it against a pair of Haybolds passing by. The arrogant merchants glared at her — but when she glared right back, they walked away, muttering.

Tresky understood their reaction. Ebbril’s face was set in rigid, unreadable lines and her no-nonsense posture reminded him of the Godgifu policewoman. Like Griganna Hannu [the policewoman], Ebbril seemed almost too hard to be beautiful, despite her high cheekbones and lithe figure — but perhaps she had to steel herself to face him and admit her wrongdoing. That would explain her harsh demeanor.

But no matter — she’d come back, she’d come back.

Effing Feline here again. I enlisted Wesley, Ed’s six-year-old grandson, to throw the spear for me. I’m one ingenious tomcat, eh?

  • Throw 1 — miss.
  • Throw 2 — dropped the spear.
  • Throw 3 — almost speared my tail.
  • Throw 4 — miss. Twiggles the Dog got the spear before Wesley could and ran off with it . . . and she is not a retriever! My can is still unopened.

Poor, poor, poor, poor hungry me. Sob!

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

The Solid Gold Aliens

For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .

All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the life of a shepherd.  What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to the Midas Crater, where hundreds of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.

Everyone on the caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.

Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite stern taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humans from a blast of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?

42 comments

  1. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    I’m just as surprised as Tresky that she came back. Interesting!

    1. Great! Surprising the reader is always a good thing. Usually, at least.

  2. Poor Effing. My heart bleeds…!

    I agree with Jessica – I definitely thought she’d abandoned him.

    1. Which should, I hope, raise some questions. Why then did she get him drunk and leave him? What motivated her to come back? What’s she up to?

  3. I hope it’s a good thing that she’s back. interesting to read what happens next.

    1. Let’s just say it’s a mixed blessing.

  4. Sara Harris · · Reply

    I’m glad she’s back — I think. Still love that this is taking place on a slothporch.

    1. The sloth, named Virtrillica, has made only one appearance in these snippets, but she’s quite as important as Tresky’s wife.

  5. Ed, you are a wonder. I look forward to more interesting snippets.

    1. Thanks, Charmaine.

  6. Effing’s too clever- lol!
    But Tresky has certainly married the wrong woman.

    1. Gee, you think? Everybody but him can see that.

  7. So although she took his money, against all the odds she’s come back – which raises more questions of course! Poor Effing – I think maybe you should swallow your pride and ask Ed – after all what else are humans for but to pander to a clever cat’s every whim?

    1. Clearly, Hywela, you understand cats’ role in the world as well as you do that of horses.

  8. The joy and surprise that she came back is evident.
    Tweeted

    1. And that joy is yet another proof of his naivete.

  9. She came back! That’s a twist I didn’t see coming. 🙂

    Poor, poor, hungry Effing. I think he’s going to have curl up his big boy tail and ask his pet human to open the can.

    1. “Curl up his big boy tail” — I love this phrase, Teresa.

  10. She came back! I’m curious to know why she left and more curious why she’s back! Great snippet.

    1. Some answers are revealed soon, but others don’t become clear until the end of the book.

  11. Oh how we take our thumbs for granted Tresky is so wonderfully naive, I just love him. He’s found the perfect mate to take care of him.

    1. The perfect mate, eh? We’ll see.

  12. julieevelynjoyce · · Reply

    Your writing is always full of exciting twists and turns…including this spear-throwing operation. Surely, someone out there is reading this and plans on making a cat-friendly can that opens on a meow command.

    1. I’m not so sure about your invention idea. Who would pay for it? Any human dumb enough to buy it would come home from work to find a month’s worth of cat food gone in a day, and a cat who suddenly weighs 300 pounds (in cat pounds, of course).

  13. Awwww poor Effing! But I’m sure he’ll find a way! As for Tresky, he doesn’t seem to wonder why his wife has returned but I’m definitely curious.

    On Sun, Feb 9, 2020, 02:08 Ed Hoornaert (Mr. Valentine) wrote:

    > Ed Hoornaert posted: ” I, Effing Feline, am still trying to become > independent of humans by learning how to open cat food cans. Last week, I > hit on the brilliant idea of chucking a spear at the can to burst it open. > There’s just one little problem. Without opposable” >

    1. He’s curious all right, but his joy and surprise are somewhat greater than his curiosity, so it isn’t the first emotion to come out.

  14. Well that’s quite a development but it doesn’t look like all smooth sailing just yet either. Good suspense going on here! Terrific snippet…

    1. Readers aren’t supposed to know, at this point, what’s going on, but hopefully they’ll keep reading in order to find out.

  15. I’m glad she came back, I think. Maybe. What’s she up to? Where was she? What’s in the pack? I’m super curious about the pack now.

    PS – 6 year olds are awesome. Not sure he should have a spear, however. The granddaughter had a hockey stick once. Just sayin’.

    1. Six-year-olds should definitely not have spears. But six-yea-old boys definitely WANT spears. And Numchuka. And Katana. And Bo. And . . .

  16. Elaine Cantrell · · Reply

    So very curious that she came back. Now we have to find out where she went and why she came back.

    1. Excellent readers questions, Elaine, excellent.

  17. And I’m sure she’s equally surprised to see him up there on that sloth porch!

    Effing, never leave a human to do a cat’s work. I’m sure you’ll prevail against the can someday.

    1. She’s probably no more surprised to see him on the slothporch than he is to see her at all!

  18. Cathy Brockman · · Reply

    I’m sorry I laughed at feline. I bet Wesley had fun. Maybe dry food would be easier to get to.

    1. Yes, Effing could probably claw into a bag of dry cat food, but he has refined taste. He prefers salmon. Pacific salmon, to be specific, not Atlantic salmon, and preferably wild caught rather than farm-raised.

  19. Loved your description of Ebbril. Definitely memorable. Great snippet and made me want to read more.

    Keep smiling,
    Yawatta

    1. Yet the description says absolutely nothing about her height, weight, complexion, or hair color. There’s a lesson int that!

  20. Diane Burton · · Reply

    Poor Effing. He just can’t win. Beware of grandkids with a spear, though.

    Interesting description of Ebbril. Wonder what made him fall in love with and get married to her.

    1. “Beware of grandkids with a spear” — LOL. That is so true.

  21. I’m surprised she came back, but I’m also terribly suspicious. Why’d she leave? What’s she after now? And what’s in that pack?

    1. These are all excellent questions, Aldrea!

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