I, Effing Feline, am still trying to become independent of humans by learning how to open cat food cans. Last week, I hit on the brilliant idea of chucking a spear at the can to burst it open. There’s just one little problem.
Without opposable thumbs, I can’t hold the spear to throw it. But do you think that will stop me? Hah!
Now a word from our sponsor, The Solid Gold Aliens. When Tresky Buffrum meets beautiful Ebbril and marries her the very next day. But she takes his money and abandons him at The Happy Louse Inn.
Determined to stay close in case she returns, the loyal but naive Tresky climbs up to a ‘slothporch’ overlooking it. Surprisingly, the sloth (a 9 foot long intelligent native) does nothing other than stare at him.
He leaned back, closed his eyes, and tried not to think; he succeeded for a long time.
“Tresky,” a voice called from the square, “what are you doing up there?”
Ebbril? — he opened his eyes, wanting to believe, and it was Ebbril; “You came back?”
“Of course I came back.”
She swung a huge pack off her back, knocking it against a pair of Haybolds passing by. The arrogant merchants glared at her — but when she glared right back, they walked away, muttering.
Tresky understood their reaction. Ebbril’s face was set in rigid, unreadable lines and her no-nonsense posture reminded him of the Godgifu policewoman. Like Griganna Hannu [the policewoman], Ebbril seemed almost too hard to be beautiful, despite her high cheekbones and lithe figure — but perhaps she had to steel herself to face him and admit her wrongdoing. That would explain her harsh demeanor.
But no matter — she’d come back, she’d come back.
Effing Feline here again. I enlisted Wesley, Ed’s six-year-old grandson, to throw the spear for me. I’m one ingenious tomcat, eh?
- Throw 1 — miss.
- Throw 2 — dropped the spear.
- Throw 3 — almost speared my tail.
- Throw 4 — miss. Twiggles the Dog got the spear before Wesley could and ran off with it . . . and she is not a retriever! My can is still unopened.
Poor, poor, poor, poor hungry me. Sob!
The Solid Gold Aliens
For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .
All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the life of a shepherd. What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to the Midas Crater, where hundreds of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.
Everyone on the caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.
Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite stern taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humans from a blast of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?