Effing Feline chucks a spear #wewriwa

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, have told you of my desire to become independent. The first step is to figure out how to open cat food cans, and I believe I’ve solved the problem — with a typical display of genius, if may say so.

All I have to do is hit the can with something sharp, like a thrown spear, and voila! It is open! I’ll try not to salivate during this word from our sponsor, The Solid Gold Aliens.

When Tresky Buffrum, a Gasparre tribesman from the mountains of colony planet Jones, visited the big city, he met Ebbril and married her the very next day. But on his wedding night, she got him drunk. He awakens alone and penniless in an open-sided hovel in The Happy Louse Inn.

Determined to stay close to the inn in case she returns, the loyal (but naive) Tresky climbs up to a slothporch overlooking The Louse. Business owners build these porches to attract sloths, as the planet’s slow-moving but intelligent natives are called, because tourists from off planet gather to watch them.

Getting too close to a sloth is taboo as well as dangerous, so nobody does. Nobody except Tresky, who’s desperate enough to risk it.

Flies buzzed around the Sloth’s mangy fur, but the creature didn’t smell unpleasant, just different. From up close, the only lion-like thing was its posture. Its furry head was three times as wide and tall as a man’s, with a crest like an ancient Greek helmet. That monumentally unhelpful phrase from a school textbook had stayed with Tresky. What in Diggers’ name was an ancient Greek, and why did they wear helmets resembling a Sloth’s crest?

The creatures had two hind legs and four arms; maybe Greeks did, too. The upper arms were for delicate work and the lower arms for running or heavy work. Not that old Sloths ever ran or worked, and this one looked so ancient it was a wonder she could move at all.

Market Square had grown quiet. Oh, Diggers — hundreds of people now watched his insane bravado.

“That Gasparre,” a Felge tribesman said, “is one brave fellow.”

“Or a crazy one,” said the matron holding his elbow.

Effing Feline here again. I got a couple text messages (how’d you people get my number, anyway?) saying cats can’t use spears. Think again! We’ve been using spears for thousands of years, as this Egyptian statue proves.

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

The Solid Gold Aliens

For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .

All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the life of a shepherd.  What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to the Midas Crater, where hundreds of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.

Everyone on the caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.

Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite stern taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humans from a blast of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?

36 comments

  1. Apart from the danger involved in not letting a sleeping sloth lie, I’m wondering what penalty he’s going to face for breaking the taboo? Great snippet, as always, Ed!

    Effing – I don’t think you’ve thought this through, have you? Somehow I don’t think throwing a spear at a can is going to work!

    1. I’m glad it’s raising questions in your mind.

  2. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Seems more crazy to me. I wonder what the outcome will be.

    1. Even Tresky thinks what he’s doing is crazy, so you have company.

  3. How does he know the sloth is a female?

    1. That’s backstory I skipped over. For reasons that become apparent eventually, *all* the sloths who come down to observe humans are female. Tresky and everyone else from Jones (i.e. Jonases) know that.

  4. Has Effing considered hunting for his food? Crazy and brave tend to go together. I wonder what’s going to happen next.

    On Sun, Feb 2, 2020, 02:13 Ed Hoornaert (Mr. Valentine) wrote:

    > Ed Hoornaert posted: ” I, Effing Feline, have told you of my desire to > become independent. The first step is to figure out how to open cat food > cans, and I believe I’ve solved the problem — with a typical display of > genius, if may say so. All I have to do is hit the” >

    1. Effing would probably love the IDEA of hunting for his food, as long as he didn’t have to actually do it. And he’s a house cat.

  5. Here we go again. Ed, my fingers are crossed hoping good news is on the way.

    1. Tune in next week to find out, Charmaine.

  6. Love this effing feline! I can picture the sloth creature perfectly, flies and all! In the car, we were just talking about how ancient Egyptians would shave off one eyebrow in mourning when their cat died. Maybe this was because they lost their spear-wielding protector as in your picture? Can’t wait to see what happens next to Effing!

    1. I’m so glad you enjoy Effing. While it’s sometimes hard to come up with a weekly (mis)adventure for him, he’s fun to write.

  7. Hahaha! A crazy one–or a completely idiotic one. I love the build-up of humor in this snippet. I fear Tresky is about to be schooled. 🙂

    Effing, please let us know how that spear-throwing goes. lol

    1. Either that or he’ll unexpectedly lay the foundation for a future friendship.

  8. I loved the jokes about ancient Greeks. Is the sloth bearing a gift?

    1. Well, I suppose you could consider not killing Tresky a gift.

  9. Maybe the sloth will decide it’s too much work to squash him like a bug? Love the description, which tells us a little about the culture as well as the sloth.

    1. I’m glad you caught that little insight into Tresky’s culture. He knows very little about Earth.

  10. Well I can certainly envision the sloths now – great description and details! enjoyed the snippet…

    1. She’s sure a mangy old girl.

  11. Cathy Brockman · · Reply

    I hate to be a party pooper but I don’t think just stabbing with a spear will open it.

    1. Granted, you’d have to stab it really hard. Do you think a little puddy tat is strong enough to manage it?

  12. Diane Burton · · Reply

    Can Effing throw things? Swat, yes, but throw? Good luck, Effing.

    Tresky certainly has guts. Is he still hung over (from the night before) and not thinking right? More, please.

    1. Can Effing throw things. Tantrums, yes, but things? I guess we’ll have to wait to find out.

  13. Dangerous and taboo – sounds like Tresky is tired of a boring life. I hope he finds his wife, and finds out what Greeks are. It makes me wonder how valuable gold is, or isn’t on Jones.

    Effing and spears. Interesting. I knew he’d be up to something while I was absent. Not this, but he’s always good for a surprise!

    1. An even bigger surprise would be if he could hit the can with the spear — or even pick it up with thumbs.

  14. Elaine Cantrell · · Reply

    This guy likes to live dangerously. First an impulsive marriage and now bothering the Sloths.

    1. If you were to ask him if he was a risk taker, though, he’d probably say no.

  15. Is he brave or crazy? That is the question. I’m waiting to find out. Great snippet.

    1. Or simply unconventional. That’s an option, too.

  16. Love the ending. Brave? Crazy? I bet probably both 🙂 You had great description throughout your snippet.

    Keep smiling,
    Yawatta

    1. My assessment of Tresky is that his priorities are different that the society he finds himself in. He more determined to give his wife a chance to redeem herself than he is in cultural norms.

  17. Sounds like careful isn’t in his dictionary. 🙂 Love the humor in this!

    1. “Science fiction with romance and humor.” That’s my motto.

  18. Love the sloth’s description. Interesting that he can tell it’s female. Hopefully, he knows how to not upset them, too.

    1. Tresky’s homeland borders on Sloth territory, so he know more about them than most Jonases do.

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