I, Effing Feline, told you last week that I’m determined to become independent — which means I have to figure out how to open cat food cans. Being a wily, observant cat, I got plenty of ideas from one of grandson Wesley’s TV shows. I’ll tell you about them after this commercial break from our sponsor, The Solid Gold Aliens.
Tresky Buffrum is a naive young shepherd from the mountains of the colony planet Jones. When he visited the planet’s largest city, population 50,000, he met Ebbril and married her the very next day — but she got him drunk and he awakens in an open-sided hovel in a place called The Happy Louse Inn. Here he is the next morning.
But maybe Ebbril, beautiful Ebbril, hadn’t betrayed him — maybe she could explain and apologize. He had to remain nearby so she could find him, just in case. Had to, no matter what.
With bleary eyes, he searched for a calm haven amidst the market’s chaos. The restaurant next door had a slothporch, a sturdy, second-story wooden ledge with stairs leading up to it. It was perfect for watching the Happy Louse Inn, except for one little thing.
Big thing, actually; five hundred pounds, at least. A Sloth already lay on the slothporch, stretched out like a nine-foot sphinx.
No one went near a Sloth, ever; it simply wasn’t done; everyone knew that. It was a measure of Tresky’s despair that the idea meandered through his pounding skull.
Effing Feline here again. Here are some of the inspirations for opening cans that I got from Wesley’s show.
Do you think any of these great ideas will enable me to open cat food cans?
The Solid Gold Aliens
For 500 years, the aliens were no threat. But they were just waiting . . .
All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure before resigning himself to the life of a shepherd. What he gets instead is a mysterious wife, fiercely chaste, who drags him to the Midas Crater, where hundreds of the planet’s intelligent natives have been transformed into gold.
Everyone on the caravan has an ulterior motive — except Tresky, who just wants to make love to his wife. Spies are everywhere. An Offworlder hero runs mad and murders people. A grim policewoman becomes attracted to Tresky while struggling to capture the psychotic sniper.
Observing this bizarre trek across the desert is an old, mute, lion-like alien. After befriending Tresky despite stern taboos, Virtrillica seeks a reason for her people to spare humans from a blast of extinction. Can the two of them save humankind and defeat the interplanetary conspirators who seek to destroy the Midas Crater and its sinister yet liberating secret?