Effing Feline scorns nutcrackers #wewriwa

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, don’t get why the nutcracker is such a big deal. For one thing, after you crack the shell, there’s only a nut inside, not meat or fish, so why bother? For another, nutcrackers aren’t attractive, right? Not pretty!

Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker is a Christmas novella and the 6th installment of the Alien Contact for Idiots series. Holly Jansen got locked out of her apartment because her roommate made off with her part of the rent money, so no she’s in her car, which won’t start. She and her cat are both cold and miserable, and so when she gets what she thinks is a prank call cellphone call, she snarls swear words.

But is it really a prankster?

“Is this Holly Jansen, the conductor?” The man’s baritone had a light, untraceable accent that was noticeable more in the rhythm of his speech than his pronunciation.

“Uh.” Squeezing her eyes so tightly shut they hurt, she lowered her forehead until it touched the frigid steering wheel. “Yes,” she whispered, “who’s this?”

Please don’t let it be who the phone says it is. I’ll do anything within—or even close to—the bounds of my personal morality.

“My name is Tro Eaglesbrood –”

Holly groaned; she’d used the F-word to the alien king from an alternate Earth, one of the most powerful men in the world? She pounded her forehead against the steering wheel.

“– and my aides were given your name by the Kamloops festival where you conducted a Nutcracker performance for several years, and also Professor Peterson recommends you highly.”

Effing Feline here again. I understand about there being a ballet called the nutcracker, but take a peek at Mrs V’s little tool.

See what I mean? No one could possibly dance with unbending metal legs. The whole thing is preposterous! Yet another example of human inanity!

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker

The Nutcracker ballet performed for and by aliens?!?

Holly Jansen, a young orchestra conductor down on her luck, is secretly hired by an alien king to conduct The Nutcracker on Kwadra Island as a Christmas present for his American wife. This big break seems like a Christmas miracle, but after she meets the lead dancer, she wonders if it’s a curse, instead . . .

. . . because the Kwadran queen has secretly ordered superstar dancer Rafael Sekwa to produce a potlatch dance honoring her husband’s ancestors — on the same date, time, and stage as The Nutcracker. The stubborn genius is determined to do so, no matter what, and Holly finds her ambition melting in the face of her growing admiration . . . and love.

Get your copy at:

NanoWrimo update

To help keep myself on track this November, I’m going to try to post my progress. As always, I’m starting out full of vim, vigor, and words. And as always, I’ll probably slow down later.

After 2 days — 5141 words



  1. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Sounds like an excellent opportunity is coming her way. Though hopefully it will still be offered considering their rough beginning.

    Bought the story, and I’m looking forward to reading it.

    1. Clearly you are a woman of exceptional taste, Jessica!

  2. I hope he has good news for her and she won’t hang up on him

    1. Now would I dangle such a great opportunity in front of the poor woman, only to snatch it away from her? I ask you, would I do such a thing?

      1. LOL … hmmm …. lemme think …. 😀

  3. Teresa Cypher · · Reply

    Haha… This scene is perfection, Ed!

    1. I seem to have a knack for opening scenes, but sometimes struggle to follow up well.

  4. Effing, I think your default emotion is scorn!

    1. Either scorn or greed, one or the other.

  5. Diane Burton · · Reply

    Effing should see my nutcracker collection, then he’d understand the attraction. Too bad. BTW, I have a nutcracker just like Mrs. V.

    I love how your story starts with such despair, yet when we get to this part, we know everything’s going to work out. (I mean, we always know the story will have a satisfying ending, but the agony the characters go through to get to the HEA is intense.)

    1. You have enough nutcrackers to form an army to defeat the mouse king. Do you have any pictures of your nutcrackers, Diane?

  6. Lol. He might be used to worse language! And she has a good excuse with so many problems.

  7. Also, English isn’t his first language. I can hear the worst possible swearing in, say, French or Dutch without feeling the emotional power of the words.

  8. You’re on a roll with Nano. I always said to get in as much as you can in the beginning because it gets tough toward the end when there WILL be days you can’t get to writing. Great job!

    Poor Holly and the kitty. Effing Feline, be nice. 🙂

    1. ‘Effing Feline, be nice?’ You must not know him very well!

  9. Hywela Lyn · · Reply

    Oh, I feel her pain. So looking forward to reading this, Ed. Effing – have you ever SEEN a preformance of the Nutcracker Suite?

    1. I’m pretty sure Effing would prefer another Tchaikovsky ballet — Sleeping Beauty. One of the dance numbers features Puss in Boots.

  10. Linda Hamonou · · Reply

    Sounds like a chance to be able to pay the rent on her own.

    Effing, the nutcracker is supposed to be a bit more of the christmassy fluff variety. You might want to try Swan Lake though, lots of birds to catch.

    1. Good idea, Linda. Effing isn’t very big Christmassy fluff.

  11. Silver lining? Sounds like employment knocking… er… calling. Hopefully even after swearing at him.

    1. IF, that is, she hasn’t destroyed the job offer before she even heard it.

  12. Cathy Brockman · · Reply

    Lol that is an unattractive nutcracker but gets the job done.

    1. Ah, but only so long as ‘the job’ is unshelling nuts rather than dancing ballet.

  13. So far it seems he’s not put off by her colorful metaphors. 🙂 Maybe she’ll get the job anyway.

  14. Although I don’t bother to spell it out — because after all, I’m not in the king’s POV — I think her colorful speech doesn’t affect him much because English isn’t his native language. Speaking for myself, I would understand the words if someone swore at me in French, but I wouldn’t feel strongly about it. Words like ‘tabernac’ are just words to me, processed solely in the cerebral cortex, which controls language. Swear words in English, though are processed not just in the cortex but also in the limbic system, which controls emotions. Without the emotional component, swearing in another language loses its power.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: