Effing Feline hates toothbrushes #wewriwa

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, do NOT want my teeth cleaned. Hear that, Mr V? No toothbrushing!

Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker is a Christmas novella and the 6th installment of the Alien Contact for Idiots series. Holly Jansen got locked out of her apartment because her roommate made off with her part of the rent money, so no she’s in her car, which won’t start. She and her cat are both cold and miserable. Then something happens that makes things worse.

Caution! Holly has a potty mouth.

Her phone buzzed.

Holly fumbled the phone out of her purse. She read the caller’s name, rubbed her eyes, looked again, but it still said the same thing.

His Majesty King Tro Eaglesbrood of Kwadra.

“A prank call?” she said, her voice starting weak but rising to a scream.

Usually she ignored telemarketers and pranksters, but here was a target for her wrath. She answered the call and spoke full blast: “What the fuck do you want, asshole?”

The silence lasted long enough to realize this was the second time in her adult life she’d used the F-word. It left a sour aftertaste, as though she’d forgotten to brush her teeth the morning after the night before.

Which reminded her — her toothbrush was locked in the apartment.

Effing Feline here again. Lady, you should just leave the darned toothbrush locked away!

I’d cuss like Holly Jansen if Ed tries to brush my teeth, but I suppose your cat might not mind it. As a public service, here’s the right way to do it — although I highly recommend using salmon-flavored toothpaste, rather than chicken.

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker

The Nutcracker ballet performed for and by aliens?!?

Holly Jansen, a young orchestra conductor down on her luck, is secretly hired by an alien king to conduct The Nutcracker on Kwadra Island as a Christmas present for his American wife. This big break seems like a Christmas miracle, but after she meets the lead dancer, she wonders if it’s a curse, instead . . .

. . . because the Kwadran queen has secretly ordered superstar dancer Rafael Sekwa to produce a potlatch dance honoring her husband’s ancestors — on the same date, time, and stage as The Nutcracker. The stubborn genius is determined to do so, no matter what, and Holly finds her ambition melting in the face of her growing admiration . . . and love.

Get your copy at:

PS — This weekend only, Ed’s Love they Galactic Enemy is on sale for just 99c. Get it while it’s cheap!

36 comments

  1. Teresa Cypher · · Reply

    OMG, THIS scene is the one that made me laugh out loud. Unexpected. lol I think I mentioned it in my review. This is a good read, Ed! I recommend. 🙂

    1. Ah, now I know who wrote that review. Thanks, Teresa!

  2. LOL … nice way to trail off with her thoughts. Can’t wait to read his reply.

    1. A wide range of replies would be justified, wouldn’t they?

  3. Diane Burton · · Reply

    OMG, she’s in real trouble now! Great snippet. I definitely want to read more.

    I forgot to sign up. You can find my post at: http://dianeburton.blogspot.com/2019/10/wewriwa-pilot-im-confiscating-your-ship.html

    1. This is a good example of “putting one’s foot in one’s mouth.”

  4. Wow, interesting reaction on her part! Your plot thickens, as they say, inagoodway. Enjoyed the snippet!

    1. Interesting reaction, yes, and if this really is the alien king, a dangerous reaction.

  5. I’m sensing this is not a telemarketer. LOL Can’t wait to read the response! This book looks like great fun, Ed!

    1. “For only $9.99 you get not only this beautiful steak knives with a lifetime guarantee, but all this butter knife AND a second set of steak knives for when the first set wears out.”

  6. Oops – I think she swore at the wrong person.

  7. julieevelynjoyce · · Reply

    Lol this is great. There are only two situations in my life where I swear like a sailor: when I’m driving, and when I’m playing sports. The rest of the time I’m practically an angel. 😀

    1. Uh huh. And you expect us to believe that you belong at the top of the tree?

  8. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    And I didn’t think things could get any worse for her. Those callers always put me in a bad mood, too. I’m curious about the caller’s response. Great snippet!

    1. It just goes to show that things can always get worse!

  9. Hywela Lyn · · Reply

    Oh dear,not really how one should talk to a king – especially not an alien king! My response to a telemarketer if I’m in a GOOD mood is something like “Do you or any of your relatives or friends like science fiction romance? I’m an author and my books….” funny thing they seem to ring off immediately!
    Great excerpt, Ed.

    1. I’m sure the telemarketers’ reaction has nothing to do with the quality of your books. Mine, on the other hand . . . they might scream in horror before they ring off.

  10. I sense a major “oops!” moment coming.

    1. Poor Holly didn’t already have enough things going wrong — the sadistic author had to pile on another!

  11. Elaine Cantrell · · Reply

    It’ll be interesting to see who’s on the line.

    1. You’ll have to wait until next week, though.

  12. Cathy Brockman · · Reply

    I bathe my cats but I don’t think I’ll try tooth brushing.

  13. Your cat (and Effing) thank you!

  14. Ed, how did Efffing know I needed a cat tooth brushing lesson? How timely and potentially annoying for my brood.

    F-bombs in the wild on the phone are never a good idea!

    1. You mean Effing actually did perform a public service? Miracles will never cease.

  15. Well, that was one heck of reaction. I’m curious to know if the caller ID was real or not. 🙂 Love how her thoughts were sidetracked for a moment.

    1. Come back next week to learn who’s on the phone, Karen. And BTW, there’s nothing personal aimed at you in this book’s title about the Nutt-cracker.

  16. I’m worried this isn’t a prank. Like her day wasn’t bad enough already.

    1. Yes, she has had a rather bad day. It’s either about to get better or much worse.

  17. I’m thinking it’s not the prank call she believes and losing her toothbrush is the least of her problems, but who’s really thinking straight after dealing with all that mess?

    1. She sure isn’t, obviously.

  18. Lisa Lowe · · Reply

    Ed, I hope you are doing well. I too hate having my teeth cleaned at the dentist. Salmon flavored tooth past sounds good. I like just plain mint.

    Love the details in this story. Make me shiver Brrrr cold!

    1. Shiver? Of course. It’s November, so you should be shivering.

  19. Thanks for the veterinarian video. My daughter has a 5-year-old cat.

    Lisa Lowe MFRW Social Media Coordinator Social Media Assistant to Kayelle Allen http://www.kayelleallen.com

    On Sat, Oct 26, 2019 at 8:52 PM Ed Hoornaert (Mr. Valentine) wrote:

    > Ed Hoornaert posted: ” I, Effing Feline, do NOT want my teeth cleaned. > Hear that, Mr V? No toothbrushing! Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker > is a Christmas novella and the 6th installment of the Alien Contact for > Idiots series. Holly Jansen got locked out of he” >

    1. If you write about a cat, you discover all sorts of people who love and/or have cats!

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