Effing Feline, blackmailer #wewriwa

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, am about to be rolling in catnip. Finally, I have some dirt to hang over the head of my pet human, Ed. Blackmail time!

You see, while curled on the Mrs’s lap, I just saw the movie The Fugitive. A dude named Richard Kimble is searching for a heinous One-Armed Man. My ears went rigid and my fur stood on end, giving me the brilliant idea for blackmail.

But first, this week’s infomercial.

Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker is a Christmas novella and the 6th installment of the Alien Contact for Idiots series. Last week we saw Holly Jansen torturing her poor cat by dragging it through winter rain. Call the ASPCA!

When Holly reached a fire hydrant, she balanced the carrier on it while she unzipped her rain jacket and wrapped it around the cat carrier — only to have icicles of wind shoot with vicious joy through the open coat and assault her t-shirt. Tacoma wasn’t supposed to get this cold this soon. She didn’t have gloves, scarf, ear muffs, or winter coat because she hadn’t gotten out her winter clothes yet. And now she couldn’t, because they were behind a padlocked door with the rest of her belongings.

Thug mewled piteously.

“No, I told you, this isn’t my fault.” Which wasn’t quite true; she could’ve chosen a more practical career than conducting an orchestra, like flipping burgers at McDonalds.

A gust of wind, arctic gods laughing at her, turned her coat into a sail; she held onto both cat and coat with difficulty. “I gave my half of the rent money to Deidre every month. How was I to know she was keeping it for a one-way flight back to Perth?”

Effing Feline here again. What does The Fugitive have to do with blackmail?

You may remember that Ed had shoulder surgery to repair his rotator cuff. In the month since, his left arm has been in a sling 24 hours a day, making him a One-Armed Man! If he doesn’t cough up the catnip as steadily as furballs, I’m gonna tell this Richard Kimble guy where he lives. Cue the evil, drunken purr!

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

Alien Contact for an Enhanced Nutcracker

They both need a Christmas miracle

Holly Jansen, a young orchestra conductor down on her luck, is secretly hired by an alien king to conduct The Nutcracker on Kwadra Island as a Christmas present for his American wife. This big break seems like a Christmas miracle . . . but after meeting the lead dancer, she suspects it’s a curse, instead.

You see, the Kwadran queen has secretly ordered idealistic Rafael Sekwa to produce a potlatch dance honoring her husband’s ancestors on same date, time, and stage as The Nutcracker! The stubborn genius is determined to do so, no matter what, and Holly finds her ambition melting in the face of her growing admiration . . . and love.

Coming October 21! Pre-order your copy at:

32 comments

  1. Teresa Cypher · · Reply

    Oh no! She’s really in a pickle. I love this scene! It really sets up things. I am looking forward to this one. Excellent infomercial. lol

    Effing…some catnip is better than no catnip. If Ed’s in jail…no catnip. Just saying…

    1. Holly starts out the book on a freezing low.

  2. Better watch out, Effing, or you’ll be the one in the freezing rain.

    1. As long as Effing has had enough catnip, he wouldn’t care.

  3. I used to have a more lucrative career than book reviewer/publisher of Kindle smut/hack writer, but it wasn’t nearly as much fun, and it nearly killed me.
    I like the description of the icy wind shooting with vicious joy. Great personification!

    1. And I used to have a more lucrative career as a tech writer. The money was much better.

  4. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Poor Holly and Thug! Where are they going to go now?

    1. Read on to find out!

  5. Oh my gosh. She is in big trouble. Outstanding snippet.

    1. Yes, this is definitely the worst of times for her.

  6. Good thing she took pains to protect her cat, or Effing would’ve shredded more than your manuscript!

    1. He still might do that!

  7. Wow, quite the situation! and I’m now shivering here in SoCal from the vividness of your icy descriptions! Very well done snippet, enjoyed it a lot, even though she’s miserable.

    1. You know, there’s a word for folks who enjoy seeing other suffer. 😉

  8. Unpleasant situation, but at least she has her cat. A cuddly cat can keep its human warm.
    Sorry about your arm.

    1. Not this cat. He’s just as cold as she is.

  9. Hate to burst your bubble, Effing, but that mystery with Dr. Richard Kimball was solved long ago. Can’t pin that one on Ed. However, if you dig deep enough, you might be able to find something else…

    Great sensory descriptions of the icy rain and her bad housing luck. Did this woman perhaps mention the Scottish play by name inside the theatre one day after rehearsal? I hope someone can come to her rescue! Can’t wait for more!

    1. I’m guessing that Effing fell asleep before the end of the movie. He does that a lot.

  10. Hywela Lyn · · Reply

    Great snippet, so glad she’s taking care of Thug, but I wonder how they’rengoing to survive. Oh, and I was also wondering about the connection with Richard Kimble – now I know and I’m so sorry to hear about the arm, hope it heals soon. Effing, you have no heart!

    1. Effing doesn’t care if he has a heart as long as he has enough catnip to fill the hole in his chest.

  11. Elaine Cantrell · · Reply

    Well, she’s in a mess now. Great sensory description too. I could feel the cold and wind.

    1. Well, it is fall.

  12. Cathy Brockman · · Reply

    Watch out for that feline! He is about to turn you in!

    1. I’m lucky that The Fugitive is over 30 years old. In other words, Richard Kimble is nothing but a decrepit old fogie.

  13. Diane Burton · · Reply

    Poor Thug. Sleet is no fun. This sounds like another great story.

    1. Especially if you’re a cat!

  14. Enjoyed the snippet. liked the imagery.

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Iris.

  15. Great imagery! I feel for her and Thug. I do hope they find shelter soon,

    1. Her car’s parked somewhere on this dark, rainy street, if she can but find it.

  16. I hope she can get her stuff back. And get out of the cold. I’ve been in that kind of weather and it’s no fun.

    1. She has some challenges, that’s for sure.

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