Effing Feline, fearless #wewriwa

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, ain’t afraid of nothing!

Except . . .

Except Ed’s office wall. He’s got all sorts of weird stuff up there, all of it guaranteed to give a cat nightmares. A fish that tastes horrible because it’s made of cedar. (I know, I tried it.) A bird with a wooden beak that could pierce a cat’s heart. Masks straight from a bad catnip trip. Hiss!

I’m continuing with the opening scene of Mr V’s sci fi romance, Alien Contact for Kid Sisters. Last week we met Quinn, a con artist from Kwadra, an island inhabited by technologically advanced aliens from an alternate Earth. It’s a duplicate of our Earth’s Vancouver Island — but its inhabitants aren’t Canadians, but descendants of the aboriginal people who lived there before Captain Cook.

Quinn is jacking up the price of a cheap copy of the mask shown below. Edited to fit the guidelines. (And my apologies in advance to any readers from Oklahoma. Blame Ed. He writes this junk, not me.)

With a loving fingertip, Quinn stroked the carving’s ugly, wide-open lips and said, “Fifty dollah more.”

“Wait just one darned minute,” said the man, “isn’t this against the law or something?”

“You no on America now, so Merkin law useless.” Merkin was Kwadran slang for Americans, with sexual connotations most of them didn’t know, despite English being their native language, not his. “Where you from you no know that?”

“Oklahoma,” the man said, “and of course we know Kwadra is a sovereign nation.”

Oklahoma — fleecing these two became even more fun! He wondered if these two thought him a drunken Injun despite his people’s technology being more advanced than anything this version of Earth had yet invented. This one’s for all you downtrodden Oklahoma Indians.

“No heard of Uncle Homo,” he lied; “seventy dollah more.”

Effing Feline here again . . . I think. I hadda roll in catnip so’s to forget tha wall, tha wall, so I’m kinda . . . ya no . . . drunk.

Hick!

Be sure to visit the other great writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

Alien Contact for Kid Sisters

Fleeing murderous rebels, the queen’s sister finds an alien hero
to save her . . . or is he kidnapping her, instead?

Marianne Harmon is sick and tired of being just the kid sister of the famous queen of Kwadra Island, home of the marooned aliens from an alternate Earth. Although she daydreams about being a warrior, when rebels bomb the royal ball she’s shunted to one of the many tunnels that honeycomb Kwadra, where she awaits a captain of the valiant Royal Guardians.

Quinn Lebatarde, a Kwadran scam artist fleeing the police, dons the uniform of a Royal Guardian killed by a tunnel collapse. When Marianne mistakes him for her bodyguard, Quinn can’t decide whether to save the feisty maiden, fall in love with her — or get rich by kidnapping her. With bloodthirsty rebels pursuing them and a treasure map in his pocket, what will he choose?

A worthy follow-up to Alien Contact for Idiots, this tale soars as a grand adventure of science fiction romance in the spirit of Romancing the Stone.

28 comments

  1. That’s quite a collection, Ed. I can see how that would inspire your Kwadran aesthetic.

  2. To say nothing of scaring away the cats.

  3. You didn’t leave anything out, Ed. And what a painted character. Amusing rascal. What happens next, I wonder.

    1. Yes . . . will his scam work, or not?

  4. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Quinn is definitely swindling that guy. And he seems too naive to stop it.

    1. That’s the best kind of mark for a scam artist to target.

  5. LOL!! This is a guy who needs fleecing! Love the masks (They creep me out, too! Too many Night Gallery/Twilight Zone’s as a child!)

    1. RE: masks. Northwest Coast art does make me wonder about a society that turned hideous, creepy masks into an art form. The hairy mask on my wall is an ‘ancestor mask’, intended to portray one of the family’s famous ancestors. Who would want to be descended from someone who looks like that?

  6. He’s a determined con artist. Fun scene!
    Also I like your collection of fitting artifacts.

    1. I don’t have any artifacts that are valuable (with one possible exception), but I enjoy what I have.

  7. This sounds like a very fun romantic adventure tale–and Quinn reminds me of Ali Hackum, the peddler from the musical Oklahoma! in this scene. Great characterization!

    1. Quinn was a fun character to write. He makes cameo appearances in two later books in the series, and readers have singled him out as a fun guy. Maybe he deserves a second book? The problem is, by the end of this book he’s reformed, so perhaps he wouldn’t be quite as much fun.

      Unless . . . unless he had to go undercover. Hmm . . .

  8. Oh, BTW, Ed. You came by too early this morning. I hadn’t put my current snippet up. So if you want to see the latest, swing back by if you get the chance! 🙂

    1. If you knew me, you would never accuse me of “coming by too early this morning.” I’m allergic to early morning — break out in hives. Being on Pacific time, I come by the night before.

  9. Diane Burton · · Reply

    Your collection of masks, etc. could induce nightmares. Poor Effing. I think they’re pretty cool. Love Quin’s dialogue. That OK guy needs to be fleeced. lol

    1. Yeah, that OK guy isn’t OK. It’s nothing against Oklahomans — it’s just important for readers to root for the scammer and against the scammee.

  10. I like Quinn’s attitude.
    While a cedar fish isn’t very tasty, cooking salmon on a cedar plank can result in tasty salmon!

    1. I’ve never tried that. You’d have to be careful not to set fire to the cedar — because of all the oils in the wood, it burns fast. Makes great kindling!

  11. Quinn sure is hamming it up. Hope he doesn’t lose his sale, though I suspect he wouldn’t mind much. This is such a fun world you’ve created, scary masks and all.

    1. The Northwest Coast Indian elements of the story make the aliens more relatable . . . at least to someone who hails from British Columbia!

  12. Elaine Cantrell · · Reply

    The masks are all interesting and would definitely be inspiration for your story. Enjoyed the snippet.

    1. Aliens with somewhat similar roots as aboriginal people on our world was a big inspiration for the story. That said, for Kwadrans to have superior technology, their history and current culture has to be vastly different than the natives of Vancouver Island.

  13. Loved the scene and his acting seems to be what the guy expects, so too bad for him. 🙂 Interesting collection of masks.

    1. Quinn is an expert at reading what people expect and then using it against them.

  14. You’re portraying quite an interesting character in this snippet 🙂

    1. Quinn is the stereotypical bad guy, the trickster, coyote of American Indian lore.

  15. I almost spit out my coffee at the last bit. I wonder what the tourists are going to say. Lol

    On Sun, 19 May 2019 at 02:37, Ed Hoornaert (Mr. Valentine) wrote:

    > Ed Hoornaert posted: ” I, Effing Feline, ain’t afraid of nothing! Except . > . . Except Ed’s office wall. He’s got all sorts of weird stuff up there, > all of it guaranteed to give a cat nightmares. A fish that tastes horrible > because it’s made of cedar. (I know, I tr” >

    1. Dear me, I’m glad you didn’t spit your coffee. I’d feel obliged to pay for your loss, and if it was Starbucks that would’ve cost me a whole month’s royalties.

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