Effing Feline disdains maps #8Sunday

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, don’t need a map to find my food bowl. So what use are maps, anyway? To cats, no use at all.

Nonetheless, I suppose I should have explained the map I showed last week.

Kwadra is an alternate Earth’s Vancouver Island. The Kwadrans “hopped” their island to our Earth when the environment of their planet became so polluted and globally warmed that it was close to uninhabitable. Now there are two identical islands off the west coast. Ed’s WIP, the 5th book in his Alien Contact for Idiots series, takes placed on Kwadra, the “island that doesn’t exist yet.”

Audra Verhailey, a runaway young mother, flees with her baby from Oregon to Kwadra Island. Penniless and hungry, she accepts the help of a Kwadran construction worker she doesn’t know. Now she’s having second thoughts . . . third thoughts . . . fourth thoughts. She tells him defiantly that she won’t have sex with him, no matter how helpful he’s being.

“Did you hear me?” Her voice was shrill, tremulous, and loud enough that Roxie stirred, but went back to sleep. “Not even a blowjob,” she finished in a fierce whisper.

But as soon as she spoke, she realized she’d stumbled onto something. She’d give him the best damned blowjob ever, if that was the price for her life. She had to stay alive for Roxie’s sake. Had to.

Instead of answering, the guy tormented her by watching his step as he climbed over a fallen tree trunk half as wide as she was tall. Expecting his gaze to rake her body, her knees weakened with fear as she looked around for a hiding place. Her boobs, if nothing else, were ogle-worthy. Nursing a seven-month old had done pleasant, but now unfortunate, things to her bra size.

Effing Feline here again. I’d like to have a map to all the best catnip patches in a ten-mile radius of the house. No, make that a one-mile radius. I am NOT lazy, no matter what Ed claims, but I am, shall we say . . . efficient.

What kind of map would you like to  have? While you’re thinking about that, be sure to visit the other writers in Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

Here are the other books in the Alien Contact for Idiots series. Although part of a series, each story stands alone, so you can start with any book.

Alien Contact for Idiots
(4.2 stars out of 5 on Amazon)

What’s a woman going to do when she’s quarantined with an out-of-this-world alien?

This book has heroic cats who torment the villain!

Alien Contact for Kid Sisters
(4.6 stars out of 5 on Amazon)

Fleeing murderous rebels, the queen’s sister finds a hero to save her. Or is he kidnapping her, instead?


(4.7 stars out of 5 on Amazon)

She was born to kill. Not love.



Rescuing Prince Charming
(4.6 stars out of 5 on Amazon)

She’s no heroine. He’s no prince charming.

This one features Priscilla the cat in a major role, which makes it Ed’s best book yet!



  1. I love maps. Real ones that you can hold in your hands, not ?%$# electronic apps where you can’t see both the forest and the trees.

    Effing, would you really go out and harvest your own catnip? I thought you’d expect it to be delivered!

    1. Delivered? Yes. He has an Uber App for calling deliveries.

  2. Love this snippet, Ed. I’m thinking she may be wrong about his intent… but maybe not? Definitely want more on this one!

    1. An indecisive reader. Perfect.

  3. You rascal! I got such a kick out of this snippet I had to hang on to my cane.

    1. Just so long as you don’t hit me with the cane.

  4. I like maps too – both real and fictitious – that is ones drawn for a novel I mean, not just pretend ones that don’t really exist. I suppose if I had an app to enable chocolate to be delivered – as per Effing’s map for Catnip, I wouldn’t need a map of the best chocolate stores. (On my wish list). Great snippet as always, still waiting to for some sort of response from him – he’s a close one, isn’t he!

    1. I love chocolate, too. I figure I inherited the desire with my Flemish genes.

  5. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Her words indicate one thing, but her thoughts another. I’m curious as to her guides’s thoughts.

    1. That’s exactly why I’m not yet showing you his thoughts.

  6. julieevelynjoyce · · Reply

    Haha, love this excerpt! As women, you’re either blessed with ogle-worthy boobs, or the ability to find and fit into bras without struggle. I prefer the latter, personally. 😀 As for maps, I’d like one that directs me to all the single men in a 20 mile radius, please and thanks.

    1. Oh my word, what a premise for a novel, Julie!

  7. She seems a bit obsessed to me, since in the snippets anyway he’s given us no cause to think he’s anything but a nice guy? But of course there’s much more to be told, I’m sure!

    1. Obsessed and more than a bit desperate, both of which cloud her thinking.

  8. Boobs are highly overrated. lol

    I’m confused about his intentions, too. I thought he was just a nice alien guy. Maybe she is paranoid due to her backstory?

    A map? All the local secret spots for morel mushrooms. ‘Tis the season.

    1. As I guy I would have to say they’re *slightly* overrated. Stormy Daniels, for example is rather attractive for her age except that she is absurdly top heavy.

  9. LOL! I get the sense that she’s making a lot of entirely misleading assumptions here!

    1. She has no experience with which to make sense of his over-the-top helpfulness. Since she literally doesn’t know what to think of him, she thinks the worst.

  10. Sounds to me like she’s trying to convince herself more than him, especially since she decided a blow job might make good currency.

    I would like a map to Narnia, please. I looked and looked when I was a kid and could never find it.

    1. I can help you with Narnia. You see, the word ‘wardrobe’ is misleading. It’s the Brits’ equivalent of a closet, more or less, so look behind your blouses. If that doesn’t work, try your bookshelf.

  11. Well she’s certainly proving her point, but I wonder if she will be able to resist whatever tactics he employs to get her into bed with him? Those first two sentences really pulled me in, Ed! Nice job!

    1. It won’t be simple or quick, that’s for sure. I’ve got a novel to write here, not a short story.

      1. I figure it will be a long time.

  12. She’s a little dramatic and quick to make the worst assumption. He might not be interested, especially since she has the baby with her.

    1. She’s quite dramatic. She wouldn’t be a good story character if she were totally under control — and she wouldn’t have gotten herself into the situation of being a runaway, either.

  13. Interesting snippet. I didn’t read last weeks, so I’m not sure what led up to her thinking he wanted sexual favors in return for something. Not sure what I would do in the situation, though I probably wouldn’t think of my breasts as ‘ogle-worthy’ in a moment of fear. Maybe I would while hanging out with friends, joking about how guys just love these things 🙂 but probably not in a fear-state.

    1. She’s worried they’ll draw his attention. Perhaps, though, I need to rethink that particular phrase.

  14. I’m hoping she’s completely wrong in her assumptions about him!

    1. You’re one of those who wants goodness to reign

  15. She could be worried for nothing. Maybe she’s not his type…she’s certainly not his species. Still I can understand that fear and feeling of vulnerability. Very well written from a woman’s POV.

    1. She could be worried for nothing . . . but only if you count past personal experience as ‘nothing’.

  16. Karen Michelle Nutt · · Reply

    I’m hoping she’s wrong about his intent. Your snippet left me wondering.

    1. Good. I don’t want things to be too obvious. This is only page 2, after all.

  17. I, too, am hoping she’s wrong about him. The last thing this girl needs is more trouble.

    1. Some people bring trouble with them, I suppose.

  18. Diane Burton · · Reply

    I love maps–both paper and electronic. The app on my phone is invaluable. And, no, Effing can’t have it to search for catnip. Good snippet, Ed. But I want him to say something, to refute her protests. His silence is driving me crazy. You are so mean.

    1. Me?!? *I’m* mean??? But he’s the one who is silent, not me!

  19. Hahaha Fantastic snippet!

  20. elainecsc2013 · · Reply

    I too hope she’s wrong about him.

    1. It seems like everybody is rooting for the strong, silent type.

  21. She seems to be having a conversation with herself. Not sure he’s expecting any of that! Especially funny snippet this week. 😀

    1. This comment is yet another example of something that’s come up repeatedly in my 3+ years on this blog hop: people find passages funny that I didn’t intend to be humorous. A couple of my beta readers are the same way. The only explanation I can find is that I tend to see the world through ironic eyes, sort of like Jane Austen supposedly did.

      Either that or I’m a little bit insane, and people mean “funny” in that sense.

      1. Way better than people *Not* finding something funny that you meant to be humorous!

  22. I feel sad for her, that she’s so certain he just wants to take advantage of her. I hope she’s proven wrong, for once.

    1. Later in the MS, he says she’s very suspicious. She responds that she isn’t suspicious, she’s paranoid, and with good reason.

  23. Tormenting her? He’s tormenting us as well as we’re still not sure what he wants. Great snippet, Ed.

    1. Although we don’t get into the guy’s head at this point in the book, it’s safe to say HE doesn’t quite know what he wants.

  24. Very much to the point. Great snippet Ed. You can always tell who’s a great writer when they don’t censor.

    1. Thanks, Trin. I do think, though, that I should sometimes censor Effing.

  25. ****makes note of island… just for information’s sake of course****

    1. Make sure you aren’t in a boat sailing in the island’s landing place on April Fool’s Day of next year, which is when Kwadra Island appears in the middle of the night.

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