Effing Feline blows up Hollywood

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline,  remember when a car exploded in the alley behind Mr Valentine’s house. True story — would I lie to you?

An explosion and a flying cable car from “The Rock” (1996).

The car was stolen, abandoned, and set on fire. When the gas exploded — and here’s the thing — it sounded like a gas oven being lit, thwump, and flames shot up no more than six or eight tail lengths. That’s all. The only damage it did to us innocent bystanders was to melt a plastic garbage can.

In other words, it was absolutely nothing like when Hollywood cars explode.

Keep that in mind as you read this snippet from Rescuing Prince Charming. Dusty Johnson, a tech writer working on Earth’s first starship, has helped a Kwadran find a saboteur’s time bomb. After he throws the bomb into the ocean they wait for the explosion.

But just as disappointment threatened to chill her, the dark waters of the Pacific erupted as though a school of sea monsters had farted simultaneously. Dusty jerked closer to the stranger. He was warm and alive and his courage took her breath away. Being held by him seemed the most natural thing in the world.

The explosion’s noise, when it reached her a millisecond later, was anticlimactic. If this were a movie, special effects people would’ve added a louder bang and more fireworks. Movie explosions were impressive, not realistic.

Effing Feline here again.  Even we cats know that Hollywood lies. Why, Hollywood even pretends that Garfield is nothing but a cartoon. Lies, I tell you, lies, lies, lies!

Be sure to visit other writers in the Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

Rescuing Prince Charming
Alien Contact for Idiots, book four

She’s no heroine. He’s no Prince Charming.

Dusty Johnson, a self-styled ordinary, everyday woman, responds with extraordinary heroism when saboteurs try to bomb the prototype of Earth’s first starship. Although she yearns to return to anonymity, that moment of courage propels her ever deeper into dangers that tear the scabs off her dark secrets—and thrust her into the arms of the unattainable man of her dreams.

Reese Eaglesbrood, an alien prince, yearns to restore his tattered reputation by guiding the starship project to completion, but his fascination with the unassuming heroine threatens to undermine his fragile authority. Shunning Dusty is necessary, yet unthinkable—and when the saboteurs strike again, she is his only ally against Earth’s most elusive enemies.

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42 comments

  1. “the dark waters of the Pacific erupted as though a school of sea monsters had farted” Rofl what a great line! It’s incredible how easily we assume what Hollywood says as real. Greaat snippet!

    On Sun, 11 Feb 2018 at 04:04, Ed Hoornaert (Mr. Valentine) wrote:

    > Ed Hoornaert posted: ” I, Effing Feline, remember when a car exploded in > the alley behind Mr Valentine’s house. True story — would I lie to you? > The car was stolen, abandoned, and set on fire. When the gas exploded — > and here’s the thing — it sounded like a g” >

    1. Thing is, you can’t trust Hollywood because it deals in fiction whereas I . . .

      Oh. Wait a minute. Never mind.

  2. Of course we know you would never lie, Effing!

    Great line about monsters, I agree, Ed.

    1. Thanks, Lisabet. I worked hard on that fart joke; it didn’t just burp off my tongue.

  3. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    A school of sea monsters farting… Love it! At least they know their quick action wasn’t for nothing.

    1. Leave it to a guy to slip in a fart joke, eh?

  4. Glad she has a nice strange to snuggle against during a disappointing explosion. LOL
    Tweeted.

    1. The cuddle is a very important part of the scene!

  5. I have to join those who enjoyed the sea monster fart analogy. Very descriptive! Though the noise might have been anticlimactic, at least it allowed her to sneak in a cuddle.

    1. It seems this crowd enjoys fart jokes. Definitely a high-class bunch of writers.

  6. Such fun language – sea monster farts etc

    1. As I just said, this is a high-class crowd!

  7. Karen Michelle Nutt · · Reply

    Loved your imagery of the explosion. Good thing they managed to get rid of the bomb when they did.

    1. They had a few seconds to spare — I couldn’t bring myself to use the cliche of throwing the bomb at the last possible second — but not many.

  8. Love it! Sounds as if Dusty has found herself a cuddle buddy.

    1. More than just a *cuddle* buddy, as will become apparent.

  9. Interesting choice to be so realistic about the explosion – I like it! Enjoyed the snippet…

    1. In a movie, this explosion would’ve been a let down. In a book, noise and flames aren’t much more exciting than a fart joke.

  10. How romantic to snuggle to the sound of sea monsters farting! You rock, Ed.

    1. I never quite thought of it like that. What can I say, Alexis, I’m a romantic at heart.

  11. Loved the sea monster fart line, making me wonder if there was an attendant warmth or smell wafting upward in addition to the disappointing sound. I heard an absurd little “pop” when reading it. *grin*

    1. You’re free to imagine whatever smell you like, Jenna!

  12. Great snippet, and don’t worry, Effing! Hollywood doesn’t always lie. A few years ago I was living in a basement apartment when an electrical fire burned down the garage in the middle of the night. When I opened the door to get out, it was like a scene from Backdraft. But I don’t recommend experimenting to replicate this! 😉

    1. I’m glad you weren’t hurt, Amy. Have you managed to use that experience in your writing?

  13. Nice imagery! OK, I didn’t realize in earlier snippets that they were on the edge of the ocean. Makes a lot more sense now. And yes, Hollywood does tend to exaggerate doesn’t it?

    1. Readers didn’t find out about the ocean until a page or so before this . . . but that a month or two ago, with 10-sentence dribbles.

  14. julieevelynjoyce · · Reply

    Now all my Hollywood illusions have been shattered. Love the description throughout this snippet, Ed. Great work! And thanks for keepin’ it real, Effing.

    1. Everyone’s illusions about Hollywood *should* be shattered, one way or another, so I’m glad to have been of service.

  15. I really like that you used realism rather than sensationalism in this snippet! Somehow the anticlimax made the fiction seem like real life, if you know what I mean – and the explosion, however mild, was a great excuse for a cuddle!

    Effing – I believe everything you say, of course I do, you have such an honest face! *crosses fingers hastily*.

    1. What you said is, I think, the advantage of avoiding overdone cliches. Showing them waiting for the explosion also adds another dose of microtension. In other words, the scene has not only the overriding tension of getting rid of the bomb, but also little moments of tension along the way, such as his reluctance to hand off the bomb to a woman, the difficulty opening the door to the patio, wondering whether the bomb was just a hoax, etc.

  16. Not only is that stranger warm, he’s a hero to boot! 🙂 Thanks, Effing, for the primer on car explosions. 🙂

    1. Excellent point, Teresa. Gee, I wonder if Dusty has thought of that?

  17. elainecsc2013 · · Reply

    A group of sea monsters had farted simultaneously. Love it.

    1. I’m pretty surprised at the positive response to that image.

  18. Monster farts! 😀
    With enough explosives, you can get something impressive. But she should be glad it wasn’t–it would be pretty dangerous!

    1. Yes, clearly, big explosions are possible. I decided against one, though. The saboteurs wouldn’t have needed a huge bomb — enough to demolish a room or two, because in the starship’s enclosed mech deck, shock waves would’ve done sufficient damage.

  19. the seamonster farting cracked me up. enjoyed this week’s snippet 🙂

    1. And here I figured fart jokes were a guy thing.

  20. Farting sea monster, lol, lots of bubbles in that water.

    1. Almost like a hot tub, right?

  21. Diane Burton · · Reply

    That long pause before the explosion had her thinking the bomb threat was a hoax. Wow. Was she wrong! Sea monsters farting? LOL Good one.

    1. That long pause helped to build a tiny bit more tension!

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