Effing Feline demands a new Internet

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, think the Internet is stupid. Last week I asked you readers to send me food so I survive the diet I’ve been forced onto. But know what? And it’s really, really dumb . . .

The only thing you can send over the Internet are electrons.

I can’t eat &^%$#* electrons!!!

While I endure my hunger pains, here’s another snippet from Rescuing Prince Charming. Dusty Johnson, a tech writer working on Earth’s first starship, has helped a Kwadran (a native American from an alternate Earth) find a saboteur’s time bomb. Racing against time, they’re carrying the bomb out of the starship’s labyrithine mechanical deck.

“Open it,” Dusty shouted.

The Kwadran pulled the door again. It remained closed.

She started to give the bomb to him but he was already grabbing it from her. If the door was locked, she was dead, because she didn’t have a key — but if it was only latched and he wasn’t familiar with this Earth’s sliding glass doors —

Dusty lifted the latch and pulled. The door opened, blasting her with brisk November air smelling of ocean and evergreens. She stepped back to let him pass, and though it would’ve been safer to get as far away as possible, she followed him outside.

“Toss it over the –”

But their minds were in perfect sync; he was already charging toward the railing. He hurled the bomb over the side with the grace and power of a javelin thrower.

Effing Feline here again. We need a new Internet. We’re supposed to be entering the era of an Internet of Things. So why can’t you fine folks send me salmon? Or even dry cat food?

Be sure to visit other writers in the Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

Rescuing Prince Charming
Alien Contact for Idiots, book four

She’s no heroine. He’s no Prince Charming.

Dusty Johnson, a self-styled ordinary, everyday woman, responds with extraordinary heroism when saboteurs try to bomb the prototype of Earth’s first starship. Although she yearns to return to anonymity, that moment of courage propels her ever deeper into dangers that tear the scabs off her dark secrets—and thrust her into the arms of the unattainable man of her dreams.

Reese Eaglesbrood, an alien prince, yearns to restore his tattered reputation by guiding the starship project to completion, but his fascination with the unassuming heroine threatens to undermine his fragile authority. Shunning Dusty is necessary, yet unthinkable—and when the saboteurs strike again, she is his only ally against Earth’s most elusive enemies.



  1. Hi, Effing.

    How about we send you a gift certificate for cat food? With your obvious intelligence and internet savvy, I’m sure you could figure out how to redeem it without Ed knowing…!

    P.S. Are you related to Garfield?

    1. Effing wishes he were related to Garfield, who is one of his heroes. Another is Bucky Kat, an ill-tempered feline from the the Get Fuzzy cartoons.

  2. I hope he’s thrown it in time and they’re both safe. Nice snippet.

  3. Thank goodness they were able to open the door, but now what? I agree with Effing, we should change the internet to get food instead of electrons :p

    On Sun, 21 Jan 2018 at 04:17, Ed Hoornaert (Mr. Valentine) wrote:

    > Ed Hoornaert posted: ” I, Effing Feline, think the Internet is stupid. > Last week I asked you readers to send me food so I survive the diet I’ve > been forced onto. But know what? And it’s really, really dumb . . . The > only thing you can send over the Internet are ele” >

    1. We had the “Internet of Things.” Effing thinks we now need the “Internet of Cat Food.”

  4. At last – they got rid of the bomb – it’s been a tense few weeks. Tweeted.

    1. Stretching out the tension in 10-sentence dribbles makes it last even longer

  5. Excitement reighnes. This is one exciteing pass in articilation

    1. Now a different sort of excitement will take over.

  6. Phew! Thank goodnerss, this has been a really tense situation, despite the scintillating banter! 🙂 Hope they’ve got rid of it in time!

    I do sympathise Effing, I feel the same way about chocolate!

    1. Hywela needs the “Internet of Chocolate.”

  7. Whew, glad they finally got rid of the thing. Tip for Effing: try Amazon- the internet really will send you cat food!

    1. Ah, but Effing has no credit card. The very thought gives me shivers. Can you imagine the bills he’d rack up?

      1. It’s the stuff of nightmares!

  8. Hooray for teamwork! I just hope the bomb doesn’t kill people below them–or them!–when it explodes.Somehow I think not. 🙂

    1. The area right below them is pretty much a wilderness. The only creatures in danger are jellyfish.

  9. nancygideon · · Reply

    LOVE this scene. So visual and active. My cats were going to send Efffing some of their dinner . . . but ate it themselves, being cats.

    1. High praise, Nancy . . . but shame on your cats!

  10. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Oh, that was a close call. I hope this is the end of that problem. And I really liked how he had an issue with opening the door. Great snippet! 🙂

    1. The issue with the door was my attempt to toss one last obstacle in their way.

  11. Andrea R Huelsenbeck · · Reply

    Man. I can’t wait to find out what happens next.

    1. That’s exactly how an author wants readers to feel. Thanks.

  12. At last! Now they can get down to the serious business of flirting for real.

    1. You and I think alike, Alexis.

  13. Great minds think alike!

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Amy.

  14. Still begs the question – how powerful a bomb is it and will it fall far enough for them to be safe? Good suspense.

    1. To find out, stay tuned — same time, same station.

  15. Hmmm, that seemed almost too easy at the end there…I feel like serious complications must be coming – can’t wait to see what will happen next! Really enjoying the story…

    1. The ensuing complications will be different than what you might expect.

  16. Sending virtual salmon ~
    Fun snippet as usual – what – he can’t open a sliding door?

    1. It was a temporary setback, and it’s explained in more detail in passages Effing didn’t select. Not being native to this Earth, he was unfamiliar with the latches on standard sliding doors, and though he could’ve figured it out, the ticking clock turned the hesitation into a problem.

  17. Dear Effing, did you know you can use those electrons to get some companies to send you food? No? Well, just act super-innocent when you ask your human for his Amazon password. 😉

    He doesn’t get doors… that could definitely cause some interesting social problems.

    1. Please do NOT give Effing ideas!

  18. Diane Burton · · Reply

    Delayed by a door the hero didn’t know how to open? Now that’s tension! Good job, Ed.

    I forgot to sign up in time, but I did post. http://dianeburton.blogspot.com/

    1. We can’t make anything easy for our characters, can we?

  19. Wow, that was an almost!

    Poor Effing. A diet? I commiserate.

    And the internet is stupid. lol

    1. Well, I’m not sure if the Internet is actually stupid, but it does make us stupid while pretending to make us smarter.

  20. I’m glad they weren’t foiled by the door. Death by reason of door is a sad way to go. It’s nice that she has at least one competency over him, though!

    1. Death by door does NOT have its own ICD code. Metaphorically, though, you could say that these two are at death’s door.

  21. Karen Michelle Nutt · · Reply

    Thank goodness they finally got rid of that bomb. So glad she knew how to unlatch the door. 🙂

  22. Reading their efforts to dispose of the bomb in 10-sentence drips it may seem like this took forever, but the passage actually only 5 and a half manuscript pages.

  23. Great teamwork here.

    1. So glad you noticed! That’s what I was trying to get across in this section, that they think alike.

  24. Jennifer Reynolds · · Reply

    Damn that was close. Great snippet.
    Poor kitty. I’ve been buying mine the smalls cans of cat food and only giving it to them twice a week. Dry food the rest of the time. They aren’t happy. 🙂 🙂

  25. Yes, it was close, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave it to the last possible second. Frankly, that is so very, very overdone that it’s a cliche.

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