Effing Feline spills Santa’s dark secret

Photos: DepositPhotos

I, Effing Feline, have enjoyed telling the world about the feline source of Christmas traditions. Today I’m going to debunk one of the biggest lies of the season.

Santa Claus.

The truth is, Santa isn’t real. No mere human is that good and generous. Instead, the legend is based on the saintly life of a supremely generous CAT!

Photo courtesy DepositPhotos

Courtesy DepositPhotos

Now I turn from the absolute truth to an outright lie that my pet human has told for fun and profit — namely a snippet from Rescuing Prince Charming.

Dusty Johnson, a tech writer working on Earth’s first starship, has helped a stranger (a native American from an alternate Earth) find a saboteur’s time bomb. It’s set to explode in minutes, but she’s blocking the tunnel they have to crawl through to get the bomb out of the cranny where it was hidden. And they don’t get along well . . . yet.

He took a deep breath and held out the shoebox. “This goes against my sense of chivalry.”

“Screw chivalry.” She reached for the box — but he pulled it away from her grasp.

“I’ll have you know I’m a gentleman.”

“And the School for Chivalrous Gentlemen taught you that Take off my pants is a polite greeting?”

Is Please take this bomb, with my compliments an improvement?” He gave a tight-lipped sigh. “I don’t like handing this to a woman.”

But he did it anyway. Holding the box reassured her . . . until she remembered it held a bomb.

Effing Feline here again. From now on, remember the correct spelling of Santa’s name: Santa Claws.

Be sure to visit the other writers in the Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday.

Rescuing Prince Charming
Alien Contact for Idiots, book four

She’s no heroine. He’s no Prince Charming.

Dusty Johnson, a self-styled ordinary, everyday woman, responds with extraordinary heroism when saboteurs try to bomb the prototype of Earth’s first starship. Although she yearns to return to anonymity, that moment of courage propels her ever deeper into dangers that tear the scabs off her dark secrets—and thrust her into the arms of the unattainable man of her dreams.

Reese Eaglesbrood, an alien prince, yearns to restore his tattered reputation by guiding the starship project to completion, but his fascination with the unassuming heroine threatens to undermine his fragile authority. Shunning Dusty is necessary, yet unthinkable—and when the saboteurs strike again, she is his only ally against Earth’s most elusive enemies.



  1. Always good to have Effing around to set the record straight!

    Have a great weekend, Ed.

    1. I shall, I assure you. You see, the first of my children arrived yesterday, from Toronto; son #2 will be here until after Christmas. I hope you have a great weekend, too.

  2. I like how he’s still “all gentleman” even in the situation of having a bomb in his hand. Great snippet.

    1. Handling the bomb hasn’t quite knocked the masks off his identity — though it will soon.

  3. It appears Effing isn’t the only one that believes in Santa Claws, so doesn’t Alice Cooper :p Great snippet! Glad she remembered there’s a bomb in there!

    On Sun, 17 Dec 2017 at 02:48, Ed Hoornaert (Mr. Valentine) wrote:

    > Ed Hoornaert posted: ” I, Effing Feline, have enjoyed telling the world > about the feline source of Christmas traditions. Today I’m going to debunk > one of the biggest lies of the season. Santa Claus. The truth is, Santa > isn’t real. No mere human is that good and ge” >

    1. I didn’t know about Alice Cooper and Santa Claws. I’ll have to Google this.

  4. Ed, this snippet is incredibly delicious. There is more coming soon, right?
    Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones.

    1. More next week. Merry Christmas right back at you, Charmaine. I hope you’re surrounded by family.

  5. nancygideon · · Reply

    Banter at its best, under a ticking clock (or ticking bomb!). Great clip, Ed. Great book! My cats share Effing’s belief in the Great and Powerful Santa Claws!

    1. Effing wishes your cats lots of holiday meal leftovers!

  6. And while all this Austen-like banter is going on, I’m like, “WHAT ABOUT THE FREAKIN’ BOMB?!!!”

    1. That’s what’s called ‘underlying tension.’

  7. Great Ed. Yes, I wonder what polite greetings are in cat language. Happy Holidays Ed! theglobaldig.blogspot.com

    1. The word ‘polite’ and ‘cat language’ don’t belong in the same sentence for a creature with Effing’s personality.

  8. I do love the tone of snark between them, fun banter…although that shoebox full of bomb has me worried LOL. Great snippet!

    1. The bomb has them worried, too. Fear is what adds barbs to their banter.

  9. The banter between these two is hilarious opposed against the slight problem of there being a bomb.

    1. Then the scene is doing what I wanted it to do.

  10. Nice to see they have their priorities straight… oh, wait!

    1. Their priorities at the moment would seem to be establishing enough of a working relationship that they can trust each other.

      1. True… good to know they aren’t going to let a little thing like survival of themselves and others get in the way of that. 😉

        Seriously though, I loved it!

      2. There’s a bit of vying for dominance, as well. The irony of Dusty vying for dominance with him becomes fully apparent only later.

  11. Love the snippet. And I love the pic with the sleigh. Good job!

    1. There are so many great cat pics out there.

  12. Hahahaha Your dialogue is always amazing. Have a great weekend!

    1. Why thank you, Amy. Ditto for your fight scenes!

  13. Wow, they can argue under any circumstance. Obviously they are meant for each other! Fun snippet. My cats love today’s photo. They’re paw-bumping each other right now.

    1. I just hope your cats sheathed their claws before paw-bumping each other.

  14. I think they’re both a little bemused by the dire situation.

    1. Bemused . . . yeah, that about covers it.

  15. julieevelynjoyce · · Reply

    Love the banter, Ed! Fantastic job! And from now on, I will refer to that magical being as Santa Claws. 😉

    1. You do realize, Julie, that you’re falling under Effing’s control. Are you sure you want that.

  16. New to the blog hop so new scenario and story for me, not sure where it’s heading but it seems fun. Best wishes.

    1. Welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors. Hope you enjoy it. I’ve been on many ongoing hops, but this is the one I’ve stuck with the longest, so clearly I think it’s worthwhile. I’ve met a lot of friendly people here.

  17. Just as he’s saying “I’ll have you know I’m a gentleman,” I’m screaming at him to give her the effing box so they can get the hell out of Dodge! Chivalry may not be dead, but they’re going to be! Exciting snippet, Ed! Enjoy Christmas will all your family home. 🙂

    1. That is not “the Effing box.” The only bomb his box contains is a stink bomb.

  18. elainecsc2013 · · Reply

    They’re cooler than I am. I’d be thinking of bombs not banter.

    1. Then it’s a good thing you aren’t a character in a romantic comedy.

  19. Diane Burton · · Reply

    Effing needs to know that my granddaughter had a role in a skit called “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus” so it must be so. 🙂

    Good snippet. Love the humor in a life-or-death situation.

    1. Well, I’ll tell him, but . . . do you really think hes going to care?

  20. Karen Michelle Nutt · · Reply

    Great banter, I do hope they get rid of the that bomb and soon!

    1. They’re actually working on it — trying, though insults, to decide how much they can trust each other.

  21. Love the banter. Was starting to wonder how long before she remembered about the bomb.

    1. This seems to be the general consensus.

  22. Sounds like they’re headed for an “explosive” relationship. 😉

    1. You’re a punster after my own heart.

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