Effing Feline Protests

Photos: DepositPhotos

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf. Click the pic for info.

I, Effing Feline, protest! I hate the way humans use words for cats in degrading and humiliating ways. A slut is someone with the morals of an alley cat. A coward is a scaredy cat.  This is insulting and I won’t put up with it.  That rumbling noise you hear is not a purr.  It’s a growl.

Last week, I introduced you to The Trial of Tompa Lee by my pet human Ed, aka Mr Valentine. Civilians like Tompa can buy lottery tickets to fly the stars as Ship’s Wards for a year.  It is, after all, the Commerce Space Navy.  Very few Ship’s Wards are good enough to make full Navy — but Tompa is determined, even though she’s a lowly street meat.

Sailors detest street meats, so she’s deliberately locked out of a briefing about her first-ever shore leave on an alien planet.  In today’s snippet (edited from the released version), she approaches a fellow Ship’s Ward, Jim Zhang, hoping he’ll force open the briefing room door for her. He speaks first:

“As soon as we get back to Earth, I’m getting kicked out of the Ship’s Ward program, but it’s not my fault. I figured you must be a hooker, because Navy lottery tickets are expensive and rumor says you bought a hundred of them. And anyway, when I grabbed you, it was foreplay; chicks always say they want foreplay, but when you do it, whammo, they slap you.”

She hadn’t slapped him, she’d broken his arm.

“Seriously, do I look like the kind of guy who has to force women into bed?”  Zhang sucked in his belly and glared heroically, probably expecting her to snarl like an animal, the way street meats did in shows — and she was tempted.

But she knew his type, all balls, no brains, so she smiled, instead. “Sorry about that, Jim.” As though scratching, she ran a hand sensuously down her inner thigh, just to remind him she was female. Sure enough, he was such a poco brain that within seconds he was grinning.

Effing Feline here again. Mr V was tempted to change this phrase: When I grabbed you, it was foreplay, making it: When I grabbed you by the pussy, it was foreplay.

Don’t worry, I convinced him never to use such disrespectful language: I scratched his hand. To the doghouse (feline equivalent of hell) with non-violent protests!

Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday posts.

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The Trial of Tompa Lee

Only her enemies can save her from alien injustice

Praise for The Trial of Tompa Lee:

  • New Trial 2016b“Ed Hoornaert is a marvelous writer: a terrific, engrossing storyteller and a consummate stylist.”  — Robert J. Sawyer, Hugo and Nebula award-winning author
  • “Reminiscent of the best of classic Star Trek.”  TheBestReviews.com
  • “Hold a tissue ready, as Mr. Hoornaert knows how to squeeze the heart of the reader.” — Love Romances
  • “Tompa Lee is an attractive, ambitious vagabond.” — Arizona Daily Star
  • “Classic science fiction, but with enough character development to interest non-science fiction readers.” — Romance Reviews Today
The Trial of Tompa Lee is currently free, so this is a great time to make it your own:

Effing Feline divider

And finally, Alien Contact for Idiots is free during the Valentine’s Romance cross promotion. Maybe you’ll win the Kindle Fire giveaway.

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59 comments

  1. Diane Burton · · Reply

    Good job, Effing. That was a great quote the way it is. LOL Tompa is quite a tease.

    1. She’ll tease when it’s to her benefit, and when she doesn’t have to follow through.

  2. Another delightful risque snippet, Ed, you rascal. Be well, have fun. Monday is my 86the birthday. You are invited without Effing-too many cats here already. I’ll send some Fancy Feast home. Bring your wife for champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries.

    1. Happy birthday, and thanks for the champagne!

    2. Andrea R Huelsenbeck · · Reply

      Happy birthday, Charmaine!

  3. She’s right–he IS a poco brain. She got him right where she wanted him in a matter of seconds. 🙂

    Interesting social structure in Tompa’s (your) world. 🙂

    1. She knows exactly how to handle sleazy types like him. It’s honorable men she has trouble with, because street meats hardly ever meet any.

  4. lol I haven’t read anything else about Tompa and her world, but now I will! I especially like Effing. Funny cat! 😀

    1. Effing will be selecting highlights from The Trial of Tompa Lee for a while, so you’ll hear more about her in the future.

  5. Great snippet.
    And I CATegorically agree with Feline.
    Tweeted.

    1. I’m not surprised that you agree, Daryl. Thanks for the tweet.

  6. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Zhang needs to be scratched, but Tompa seems to be able to protect herself and get what she wants from his type.

    1. Yes, Tompa is definitely able to protect herself, at least against low-lifes like Zhang. Her challenge will in dealing with 300 enemies at once, on top an alien ‘friend’ and an honorable policeman. Other than primal outbursts of rage, she has no idea how to deal with them!

  7. So much is going against Tompa, but she’s a fighter. Your writing is always so smooth.

    1. Thanks, Cara … but my first drafts ain’t smooth. This particular piece has been well honed.

  8. nancygideon · · Reply

    Yeah, cuz chicks dig that . . . not! Nice exchange, Ed. Kinda calls up the phrase catting around! Sorry, Effing!

    1. Now you’ve done it, Nancy. You’re on Effing’s Scratch List.

  9. ameliatreader · · Reply

    I think Effing Feline was correct about your word choice. After all, you’re not president.

    1. You’re right, I’m not the president … but I am the god of my character’s world, so that should count for something.

  10. Wonderful interactions between these two!

    1. If I could’ve figured out how to bring Zhang back later, I would have. As it is, he’s just a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more … and if I finish this quotation, I’ll be calling myself an idiot, so I’ll stop now.

  11. Effing, I adore you! Great snippet and such great writing. She broke his arm, that’s my kind of girl! I like her already.

    1. Way to go, Siren. You’re definitely off Effing’s Scratch List.

  12. Is this guy acting like a tom cat?

    1. Of course not. He’s acting like a Jim Cat.

  13. Ugh, sounds so sterotypically male. I can understand her reaction, though perhaps she should tone it down just a bit. 😉

    1. Excellent point, Kimberly. While feistiness is her strength, it’s also her weakness — she is incapable of toning it down. For her, there’s no stopping at a slap, it’s always full speed ahead into breaking an arm.

  14. I think I might have been tempted to break his arm too! We’ve all met his type. Good for Tompa Lee. My type of gal.
    I sympathise, Effing. No cat likes to have those sorts of epithets attached to them. I think you are a very cool cat!

    1. Tompa is a kick-ass type of woman … or maybe that should be a break-arm woman.

  15. Andrea R Huelsenbeck · · Reply

    Effing’s right–you didn’t need the “ahem” cat reference to make the snippet hot.

    1. Effing appreciates the strokes, Andrea.

  16. Nice! Tompa is definitely a handful, and she knows how to work the angles. Really enjoying snippets from this!

    1. Yes, she works the angles. Following the rules, however, isn’t her thing.

  17. Go Tompa! Great dialogue though. 🙂

  18. Tampa knows what she is doing. She sounds like a fab character. Great snippet!

    1. She’s a strong, kick-ass woman, yet with massive insecurities.

  19. Poco brain. I like that! I also like your character development. Street Meat Goes On A Space Adventure!

    1. And becomes a goddess in the process (belated spoiler alert).

  20. Nothing to be insecure about with her ability to take care of herself. And apparently she needs to be able to handle the rest of her shipmates.

    1. Getting along with, as opposed to handling, her shipmates is her weak spot.

  21. Karen Michelle Nutt · · Reply

    Love the colorful metaphor– ‘poco brain’. 🙂 Yep, he is one.

    1. Tompa’s slang arises from the background I devised for her, even though we never see it. She came from Manhattan 150 years in the future, when the Galactic Economy has made Earth’s cities obsolete and abandoned: hence there are a lot of vermin, and words like maggot and cockroach become swear words. I assumed that the inequality of wealth gets worse, and the millions of ‘street meat’ are abhorred by the wealthier population. And of course Spanish words like ‘poco’ have entered the slang.

  22. julieevelynjoyce · · Reply

    I think Effing should let you have that one edit – ‘grabbed you by the pussy’ just has more…panache. 😉 Another fabulous excerpt! Very much enjoying this story.

    1. I don’t know about panache. ‘Topical relevance’, perhaps.

  23. Tompa definitely knows how to play him! I agree with Effing, too many derogatory pussy- er, kitty- terms!

    1. I blame the ‘dog people’ for the derogatory cat terms.

  24. elainecsc2013 · · Reply

    She definitely knows how to handle sleazy characters.

    1. Although she is a kick-ass character, it’s her ability to outsmart guys like Zhang that really sets her apart.

  25. I agree with Effing, such language belongs elsewhere–in a cat house, maybe? LOL Tomba certainly seems to be in charge. I hope this line doesn’t backfire.

    1. Actually, I agree with you both — the language is extremely unfortunate.

  26. He definitely doesn’t beat around the bush or mince words! They seem like a really good match.

    1. I’m not sure he’s a match for her, though!

  27. That man needs a definition of ‘foreplay.’ Maybe one with very little words, perhaps.

    1. Even if you read him a definition, I’m not at all sure it would sink into his poco brain.

  28. I think that “poco brain” means that he’s thinking with his little head… Looking for another broken arm, maybe?

    1. Considering how she’s manipulating him, I don’t think he can expect anything good in his future.

  29. Interesting snippet. “She hadn’t slapped him, she’d broken his arm.” – shows a lot about her character already.

    1. Yep, it shows she’s tough — and also that her anger is ungoverned. Once upset she goes full bore into violence.

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