Effing Feline freezes his furballs off

Photos: DepositPhotos

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf

I, Effing Feline, am in Toronto, where it’s cold. Mr Valentine’s son says it isn’t cold yet — up to 72 degrees Fahrenheit one day — but I’m a Southern Arizona cat, and anything under 90 is cold!icicles

Another excerpt today from Newborn, Mr V’s upcoming science fiction romance. Jo Beaverpaw was born alone in a forest moments before this excerpt, fully grown and well armed and ignorant of many things. Including propriety.

Jo’s ignorance and her compulsion led to her falling down a mountainside, resulting a concussion and broken legs. She has just awakened in the remote private hospital where her target is also recovering.  Her body’s special enhancements enable her to withstand massive pain.

Keeping watch outside her room is the story’s hero, Darby Lapierre, the bodyguard assigned to protect the woman Jo is programmed to kill.

“Mary—that’s one of Hen’s nurses—washed and ironed your clothes,” Darby said. “She put them in the hall closet so she wouldn’t wake you.”

I stood carefully, determined to show no pain. If I moved slowly enough, pain and dizziness merely growled instead of baring fangs and lunging at my throat.

Darby looked at me in wonder. Creases wrinkled the corners of his mouth as he smiled. How could an enemy have a face so appealing that my belly — though not my brain — felt warm and trusting?

I turned, slowly of course, toward where he’d pointed.

“Uh, Josette . . . your hospital gown is open at the back.”

That observation didn’t seem to require a response, so I said and did nothing.

Effing Feline here again. I do NOT understand the point of this scene. My rear is always exposed. Who cares?

Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday posts.

Effing Feline divider

She was born to kill


Jo Beaverpaw is born fully grown, well-armed, and impatient to tackle her Destiny … to kill her alien nation’s most wanted fugitive. Her life is pre-programmed and straightforward – until she meets the sexy bodyguard of her intended target.

Newborn is the third exciting book in Edward Hoornaert’s near-future romance series, Alien Contact for Idiots. If you agree that The Terminator should’ve starred a bad-assed (yet petite) female, don’t miss Newborn.

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For a limited time, Newborn is available for pre-order at the special introductory price of just 99c.  This low price won’t last long, so pre-order Newborn now.



  1. I love the surprise at the end, and how Jo doesn’t exactly have the same reaction to that news as just about everyone else would.

    1. She’s pretty much the most innocent and naive assassin ever.

  2. “That observation didn’t seem to require a response, so I said and did nothing.” Can’t fault the logic. I love how your character is starting out Ed. I can’t wait to see how she changes.

    1. She has plenty of room to grow and change, that’s for sure.

  3. I think that propriety is the last thing on her mind, with concussion and two broken legs. I am in awe that she can stand at all. But then I guess that sexy bodyguards have that effect.

    Should be warmer in Holland – definitely warmer than Toronto.

    1. Propriety isn’t the *last* thing on her mind; it isn’t on her mind at all. The newborn clone has literally no conception about propriety. Darby would agree it’s very fishy that she can stand on two broken legs, and it takes a while for the reason to become clear. Let’s just say she’s not a normal human.

  4. nancygideon · · Reply

    Thinking with your belly will always get you in trouble! Mine is saying, I wonder if there’s another bagel left? Great scene, Ed.

    1. Here in Toronto you can get Montreal-style bagels, which are quite different and, to my tummy’s way of thinking, better.

  5. Oh, I hate those gowns! What kind of sadist designed them? I feel bad for Effing, but not very, as I’m currently enjoying Arizona’s toasty temps.

    1. You have my sympathy, Christina. It was supposed to be quite hot this week, well into the 90’s, and after surviving an Arizona summer the last thing we want is more heat.

      1. We haven’t seen temperatures over 90, and it’s chilly at night, but we’ve spent most of our time in the mountains. Heading for Phoenix now, where it’s bound to be toastier!

  6. Marvelous scene, Ed. The humor, the mystery-all of it. As I’ve said before, nobody does it better.

    1. Now I have Carly Simon running through my mind.

  7. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Oh no, this is not cold at all. Come back in February, and you’ll feel cold.

    Fabulous snippet! Sounds like things may get a little complicated with her mission after these unexpected feelings. Looking forward to this release! 🙂

    1. Toronto in February would be nothing compared to the part of Canada that we moved from — the BC Rockies up toward Jasper.

  8. Diane Burton · · Reply

    Effing sounds like my son (who lives in AZ) when he comes home to MI. Great snippet,Ed. I hate those hospital gowns. 🙂

    1. It all depends on the person. Or the cat, I suppose. Judi and I, northerners both, love love love getting away from Arizona’s heat.

  9. julieevelynjoyce · · Reply

    Haha, those darn hospital gowns! Whatcha doin’ in Toronto, Effing? That’s only a hop, skip, and a jump away from me! 🙂

    1. Effing is visiting Uncle Brett — the one who worked on the Queen Street project.

  10. Great scene. She’s pretty adorable for an assassin.

    1. Adorable works for me, Alexis. It was a bit of a challenge creating a first-person heroine who’s obsessed with killing and yet can be identified with.

  11. Victoria Adams · · Reply

    Fantastic last line 🙂

    And yes, I understand how you’d find this cold – but has Effing feline noticed the people still in shorts and flip flips – we are crazy.

    1. Arizonans are crazy in the same way. On one of the rare winter days when the temperature is near freezing, you will always see at least one nut in shorts and a t-shirt.

  12. Interesting scene, as always!

    1. Thanks, Veronica.

  13. I remember reading cats’ most comfortable temperature is about 10 degrees warmer than humans. Poor Effing, hang in there!

    She hasn’t been taught that her nudity means anything, so of course she isn’t upset. It is just a rear, in the end. *snicker*

    1. You’re absolutely right about the rear exposure — it’s nothing to get bummed about. (Sorry for the cheeky humor; I feel like an ass.)

  14. Karen Michelle Nutt · · Reply

    She’s a newborn- Of course, she wouldn’t have a reaction to his statement. He was stating the obvious and therefore what could she say in response? lol

    1. You’re approaching this in the proper frame of mind, Karen!

  15. I love your descriptions. She’ll learn about when to and not to show yourself. Great snippet

    1. And whom to show, as well.

  16. Love the last lines — reminds me of my maternal grandfather’s take on hospital gowns: “One size fits all. My all was covered but my ass was hanging out.”

    1. Your grandfather said it well

  17. Gotta watch those hospital gowns. They never let you wear your own nightgowns or pajamas, do they? Nice snippet — I like that she feels an attraction, but knows he’s her enemy so she’s trying to fight it.

    1. A woman born who was born just a few hours previously and is supposed to have killed and died already might not have any PJs of her own.

  18. She didn’t feel a Southern breeze? 😉 Fun snippet!

    1. She’s so drugged up she scarcely feels her broken legs.

  19. I guess he’s getting a good view! Feline fun as usual!

    1. He’s almost too straitlaced to enjoy it, though. Don’t worry, he’ll loosen up as the book progresses.

  20. Andrea R Huelsenbeck · · Reply

    Ed, I didn’t know you’re an Arizonan. Me, too–we moved here from New Jersey 28 years ago. Almost natives.
    I love how Jo processes each bit of information she receives.

    1. And I from British Columbia around the same time. Tucson. You?

  21. Nice! I like how the response to the news of airing out the backside is….nothing. Ha. And effing, who cares about the exposed backside depends largely on the condition of the rear being exposed. For some, nobody needs to be seeing that.

    1. Being a rather unfinished clone, she lacks the emotional background for even the facts that she knows.

  22. I’m so looking forward to this!

    1. That’s music to my ears, Cara.

  23. Tee hee, I love the ending. Their interactions are great throughout the book. 😀

    1. Maybe I need to figure out some way to put my heroes in similar compromising situations.

  24. I hate those gowns too! I thought her reaction was interesting. Went to an outdoor art show today and it was pretty warm. 94 degrees, in Oro Valley.

  25. LOL! Love those last lines and how she has no idea how to react.

    1. The book is a steady progression from this, the nadir of her ignorance, to becoming fully human by the end. In many way, the ignorance stretch was more fun to write than the knowledgeable stretch. There are so many ways to ‘torture’ my lead character, you know.

  26. chellecordero · · Reply

    Humorous ending…
    Her naivity is disarming and so opposed to her assassin purpose. Very intriguing,

    1. That’s the general idea, Chelle. I figured I had to do something to make my assassin heroine likable.

  27. LOL …. nice last lines 🙂
    Enjoy Toronto!

    1. Thanks, Iris. Since this posted, we’ve already gone on to Amsterdam, then Bruges Belgium, and back to Amsterdam. For some unknown reason, I used to enjoy flying trips like this more when I was younger. I wonder why that is?

      1. Funny you’re saying that, mum said exactly the same thing the other day. Took her almost a week to get over the jetlag.

  28. Wonderful, Ed! Your marvelous humor shines through in this short snippet. lol. I just preordered it.

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