Effing Feline discusses Shakespeare

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Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf

I, Effing Feline, write this weekly column on behalf of my pet human, Ed Hoornaert, aka Mr Valentine. I’ve actually behaved myself this week — boring, I know — and I have no witty anecdote to share. Even Shakespeare had off days.  Witness The Two Gentlemen of Verona.

Today’s snippet will be one of the last from Thimbleriggers, a story in Future Love, Mr V’s new release. Twenty-something pornographer Aldous has used an experimental device to buy, for resale, 90-year-old Kathy’s erotic memories while he ‘watches’ and is deeply affected.  After the recording session, Kathy confronts him with the realization that he has fallen in love with her.

“I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly.  I thought it might take a couple of sessions.” Kathy reached into a drawer of the coffee table and pulled out a pink estimate of services from University Research Hospital. “This is the cost of David’s procedure. If you want more of my experiences, you’ll have to multiply your stated rates by a factor of two-point-three-eight. On the second sheet, I calculated the fees for the next twelve sessions. We have a year—eleven months and ten days, now—to raise the money.”

His fingertips brushed hers as he took the papers.  She allowed the contact.

Effing Feline again. Actually, I’ve never seen The Two Gentlemen of Verona (or any other Shakespeare). However, I heard on the Internet that it’s baaaad, and if it’s on the Web it must be true, right?

Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday posts.

Patty 0816

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46 comments

  1. chellecordero · · Reply

    Well she is a sharp cookie and knows just what she wants, she definitely knows when and how to manipulate.

    1. It just struck me how odd that phrase is — “sharp cookie.” Think how painful it would be to each one!

  2. I love Kathy! How quickly she turned the tables. Go girl!

    1. I love stories where the underdog triumphs.

  3. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Kathy definitely knows how to get what she wants. But, I’m curious as to what will happen, what Aldous will do. Must read the rest. It’s already on my Kindle app. 🙂

    1. You have the book? What superb taste you have, Jessica!

  4. Clever and wonderful. You are a specialty.

    1. Thanks so much, Charmaine!

  5. I love her more each week. I think Aldous is hoist on his own petard. I just hope he has enough money to pay for David’s procedure. Go, Kathy!

    1. What I personally like best about this story is that I managed to present a 90-year-old as a clever, sexy and triumphant heroine. I’m rather proud of that.

  6. nancygideon · · Reply

    Oh, he is soooo screwed. Love her! Great snippet, Ed.

    1. Well, strictly speaking he *isn’t*. She’s 90 and already married, so no screwing looms in his future.

  7. Karen Michelle Nutt · · Reply

    Love that she’s taken control and turning all this to her advantage. Smart woman.

    1. Even though she’s a frail senior citizen, she’s kind of a kick-ass heroine, IMHO.

  8. Haha, love it! Now that’s a woman with a plan, and a man who’s apparently putty in her hands.

    1. The mouse just captured the cat. (Sorry, Effing — that’s just a figure of speech.)

  9. Oh, so she set out to trap him from the start, did she? Clever woman!

    1. And the bait in the trap has been her long-ago sexiness.

  10. Clever Kathy! I like her more and more.

    1. I’m glad other people like her as much as I do.

  11. Love it! She’s definitely in charge now. I already have the book, and look forward to reading it.

    1. I got your book today as well (The Artist) and look forward to reading it.

  12. This is so much fun. Very creative.

    1. Thanks, Shari.

  13. I loved the way she turned the tables on him!

    1. She turned the tables using nothing more than herself and her memories.

  14. Very precise calculation and now he can’t refuse.

    1. Unless, of course, he’s one of those guys who lashes out physically even at ones he loves …

  15. Ha! Trapped by his own device. I do wonder why there’s a year time limit. Is he cursed forever at that point?

    1. The time limit has to do with how long the hospital will keep her husband in stasis. If she hasn’t raised the cash for the procedure by then, they’ll pull the plug on him. (Folks from the States should be able to figure out what I’m satirizing here.)

  16. I don’t like him at all, but I do feel just a tiny bit sorry for him. He is being taken advantage of, just like he was doing to her. Though at least she’s just asking for what she needs, not whatever she can get!

    1. Interesting — your comment echoes one of Kathy’s comments — that she feels sorry for him after she knows he’s hooked.

  17. Oh, she’s got him! Hoisted by his own petard. Great snippet!

    1. It’s too bad that “petard” doesn’t mean something like “codpiece”, because then your phrase would be even more appropriate.

  18. elainecsc2013 · · Reply

    You go girl!

    1. Exactly. She’s seemed like a victim throughout the story, but it turns out she isn’t.

  19. So clever and amusing, Ed. Love your style! 🙂

    1. Thanks, Julie. People tell me my writing has much the same rhythms as my speech.

  20. I admire her ability to be a strategist and use whatever it takes to get “the cost of David’s procedure…” Excellent plotting!

    1. She’s no passive little old lady, that’s for sure.

  21. Kathy is brilliant. I wonder what he’ll do. Great snippet!

    1. Agree about Kathy. I can only hope to think so quickly when I’m 90 … assuming I make it to 90.

  22. If Kathy does feel at all sorry for him, she’s a better woman than me. I’d be tempted to kick him where it really hurts – !

    Marcia

    1. Such violence lurks in your soul, Marcia! Don’t worry, though. Aldous’s punishment will be worse and longer lasting.

  23. Her timing is flawless, so let’s hope the execution will be equally rewarding.

    1. I simply loved having a little old lady hustle the hustler.

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