Effing Feline gains weight

Space cat-wewriwa

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf

Cat feederI, Effing Feline, post this weekly column on behalf of my pet human, Ed Hoornaert, aka Mr Valentine. Mr V has been away at the RWA writers conference, but that’s all right with me. The huge self-service supply of food he left more than makes up for his absence. Yum!

Today’s snippet continues from Thimbleriggers, a story in Future Love, Mr V’s new release. Young pornographer Aldous is using a device — the ‘breadbox’ — to record the memories of 90-year-old Kathy’s youthful love affair.  (Edited slightly from the published version to fit the 10-sentence limit.) If you’re under 18, read no further!

The previous snippet ended with this line: The boy’s touch on Kathy’s virgin breasts excited Aldous — and yet the him that was watching became more furious than aroused.

Nonetheless, he didn’t remove the helmet. Not when the boy’s lips replaced his hands, making Kathy weak-kneed and wet, not even when she rubbed the front of his pants for the first time ever. She was sorry she wasn’t able to see what really happened when he shuddered under her touch.

With trembling hands, Aldous removed the helmet and looked down. He’d creamed his pants without ever touching himself.

He needed to turn the damned breadbox down. Kathy Hall was full-blast sexy and so damned loyal that her first love had lasted over seventy years—and a man could fall in love with a woman like that. Aldous leaned forward and touched the dial.

But without turning down the volume, he put the helmet back on. Too good this way, too good.

Effing Feline here again. If any of you are pet owner, do you know if it’s okay for a cat to gain 9.4 pounds in one week?

Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sundays posts.

Effing Feline divider

Future Love

Now available at the special introductory price of just 99c

Future love bWith Mr V gone, I’m not going to bother with an ad for his book.That’s what he gets for leaving me.



  1. Hmm. Aldous is in deep trouble, Ed. I can’t begin to imagine where this is going to end. Excellent job!

    1. It’s good that you can’t guess what’s happening. The denouement is guaranteed to be a surprise.

  2. I think too often “older” people are overlooked and dismissed. I loved the way you showed the heroine’s vibrant past.

    BTW, I used to have a cat that did pretty much binge eat when I went out of town. He wasn’t upset–he just liked his food, and tended to overeat if I wasn’t around to stop him.

    1. As I wrote the drafts of this story — and I always end up doing several drafts — Kathy kept getting a little bit older with each iteration.

  3. Oh my! It looks like Aldous’ technology is working a little too well! Sounds like Effing has gobbled his way into pleasantly plump territory.

    1. I guess this is the sort of thing that can happen when you buy a first generation piece of experimental equipment and you turn yourself into a guinea pig.

  4. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Well, it looks like the helmet works as intended. I love the idea that she is doing all this for her first love.

    1. The first-love angle appeals to me, too, as a guy who married his high school sweetheart and is still married an embarrassingly large number of years later.

  5. Uh-oh, I wonder if he’s on the road to addiction?

    1. Whatever road he’s on, he’s barreling down it at top speed.

  6. Mature love never ends; I can vouch for that.

    1. That’s great to hear, Charmaine.

  7. I’d say he’s already addicted. He’s not going want to share her with anyone else!

    1. Perhaps, perhaps.

  8. Sounds like the device needs to come with a warning: may cause unexpected laundry! Hope Mr. V’s having a fab time at RWA…meanwhile, watch those extra calories. They’ll go straight to your feline hips.

    1. Correction: to his feline BELLY.

  9. Aldous is like a voyeur, except he is looking into someone’s long-ago past. This is one way to re-live the past. I just kept a diary.

    I understand Effie’s problem re gaining weight. When the food is just sitting there, begging to be eaten…it’s like me and chocolate!

    1. I ask this question knowing what you write: would your diary affect Aldous the way Kathy’s memories have? (You don’t really have to answer…)

  10. I love that he’s aroused by her loyalty. He may be a petty criminal and voyeur, but that says something about him to me. Had to go back and read the two snippets I missed because I love this story.

    1. I hope I’m not being too crass, but the book’s introductory price of 99c will only last a few more days.

  11. Sounds like this gadget can be pretty addictive. He knows it’s too strong, but he isn’t letting that stop him.

    1. Like many criminals, he isn’t nearly as smart as he thinks he is.

  12. nancygideon · · Reply

    He’s in deep trouble now . . . Great writing, Ed!

    1. New technology, such as Aldous’s breadbox, does have a penchant for creating new ways for people to get in deep trouble.

  13. Nicely done. Aldous is in deep trouble with these memories of hers. I love that her first love was her only love aspect to it, it makes it so much deeper and sweeter a tale.

    1. Since Aldous’s wound involves what he sees as his father’s lack of loyalty (for failing to pay for pricey lawyers after his 5th shoplifting arrest), Kathy’s loyalty to David is especially captivating.

  14. He’s turned on by her love…interesting.

    1. He’s never even conceived of a love that lasts a lifetime. Maybe he yearns for some of that for himself?

  15. BTW, Effing Cat? Hudson here…Rough rule of thumb…nearly doubling body mass in a week is generally not considered healthy. If you find it difficult to stand while gorging from the self-serve feeder rather than lying comfortably next to it Romanesque-style, time for a crash diet. Try tying a mouse to a treadmill for fun. Laughing at it should make you lose a lb or 2!

    1. Effing here. Nice try, Hudson. You think I’m gonna trust advice from a *dog*? What kinda cat do you think I am? A nice one? Hah!

  16. elainecsc2013 · · Reply

    Nice excerpt. I loved how you showed the past, He’s addicted, isn’t he?

    1. He’s something. I hesitate to slap the word addicted on it.

  17. Such a freakishly good premise to this story, and your execution of it is outstanding, Ed. 🙂

    He may have bought more than he can handle in those 70 year old memories…

    1. Hey, Teresa, who the hell you calling freakish? And anyway, my names not Lee, so there. ‘Freakishly’ my toenail!

  18. Agreeing with Elizabeth here! I can only imagine what he’ll do if things progress with Kathy and her beau.

    1. He’s a volatile character all right, and that gives a very wide range of possible responses.

  19. I think it sounds like he’s jealous.

    1. So if he is jealous, what can he do about it, 70-plus years after the fact?

  20. Karen Michelle Nutt · · Reply

    Seems like Aldous wants what they have. This little device is like a drug. He’s hooked and craves more.

    1. But since all this happened 70+ years ago, can he possibly have more?

  21. Interesting excerpt … and device.

    1. Thanks very much, Iris.

  22. chellecordero · · Reply

    Aldous certainly has his own private peep show going on, my oh my.

    Effing, maybe you should try a few laps around the house and work some of the weight off… besides the exercise will help build a nice appetite for more.

    1. Thanks for the advice, Chelle, but Effing’s appetite is already nicely eager for more.

  23. He sounds jealous. Great snippet.

    1. Yeah, he’s getting there.

  24. Sexy snippet. Hilarious cat. 🙂

    1. I think Effing would prefer “hilarious snippet, sexy cat”.

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