Effing Feline spontaneously combusts

Space cat-wewriwa

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf

I, Effing Feline, would wish all the dads out there a happy Father’s Day, but my paws are too slippery and sweaty to type.

Depending on which forecast you believe, it’ll be either 114, 116, or 117 degrees today.  We poor cats sweat only through the pads of our feet, which is pathetically inadequate for surviving inside an oven.

Today’s snippet skips ahead a bit in the short story Thimbleriggers, contained in Future Love, Ed Hoornaert’s upcoming collection of shorts. Ninety-year-old Kathy is selling her early sexual memories to a would-be pornographer.  This memory is from her last year of high school.

A trombone glissando announced the next memory, only a week after her sexual awakening with Lucy Hammond. Background information flooded Aldous: Kathy was in the high school band room, and the band teacher was asking for two after-school volunteers to distribute music into the band folders.

Kathy glanced at the clarinet section, where Lucy rolled her eyes, agreeing the job was for losers. But as Kathy swabbed her flute, the band teacher said, “Thank you, David.”

Her heart skipped several beats. David Hall was a quiet, serious oboist who didn’t know she existed. He wasn’t a brown nose—too much calm confidence for that—yet he always volunteered for thankless tasks. Why? He fit no stereotypes; maybe that was why he captivated her daydreams.

She raised her hand to volunteer, waving her swab like a white flag of sexual surrender.

Effing Feline again.  If any of you live in Antarctica, Greenland, or northern Siberia, would you please adopt me?  Real quick, before my fur spontaneously combusts?

Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sundays posts.

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Effing Feline divider

Future Love is available now for pre-order
at a limited time discounted pricing.

Future love bA spaceman wins the woman of his dreams … but it’s too late. A crook invents a new form of pornography … but it teaches him about love, not sex. A man pursues his beloved beyond death … but finds only the evil in his own heart.

The SF short stories in Edward Hoornaert’s Future Love probe how the future will make today’s romance seem simple and tame by comparison.  Think that’s not possible?  You have much to learn…

If you crave stories that deal honestly with love’s potential for redemption, you’ll adore Future Love.  Seize tomorrow today – pre-order Future Love.

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56 comments

  1. Poor Effing, it is winter in Southern Africa, maybe you should email yourself here?

    Nice set up, Ed. I am dying to know what happens next.

    1. E-mail him to you? Well he is, after all, a virtual cat, so that might work.

      1. I can email him back on Thursday ;-}

  2. chellecordero · · Reply

    I can’t help but wonder what reliving those memories so clearly will do to the lady – when you wrote that her heart skipped several beats I worried it wasn’t just in the memory.

    Cheer up Effing, I hear you are a totally “kool Kat” and winter will come soon enough

    1. You know, I never even thought of this possible reading of skipping beats.

  3. Winter here as well, so i”m a bit envious …. another interesting snippet.

    1. Envious of 117 degrees? My dear Iris, I worry about your sanity.

  4. Effing is welcome here with a houseful of cats although he will probably corrupt the batch of them. send him on. NY is also hot .We have a pool. Anything for a pal.

    1. A pool is NOT a draw for a cat.

  5. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Stay cool, Effing Feline! It’s hot here this weekend as well. Interesting snippet! I’m curious to know how this memory progresses.

    1. It’s hot in Canada, too? That proves what they say about global warming.

  6. Ooooh, I so want to read more! Poor Effing, it’s equally hot in Spain. It’s terrible! Buy a fan only for him!

    1. In heat like this, all fans blow on me or Judi — and no cats are welcome on my lap!

  7. Love the last line! 114 sounds about right for southern Arizona this time of year! I guess you’ll be indoors most of the day today? KY is 87 today, but luckily I’m going surfing.

    1. Surfing in Kentucky? Are you sure you aren’t lost in one of your fictional stories, Frank?

      1. No, no lol. There’s a water park that has a surf machine near me.

  8. Great last line. Stay cool!

    1. I’m always a cool guy, ya know? It’s just my thermometer that’s out of control.

  9. She raised her hand to volunteer, waving her swab like a white flag of sexual surrender.

    Perfect last line!

    I preordered. Been wanting to read this since you first started posting excerpts.

    1. Greatly appreciated, Cara!

  10. I love that Kathy was a band geek, now attracted to another band geek. My daughter had the same type of experience in high school band with another band member who didn’t know she was alive. This promises to be a heart-breaking memory any way you look at it. Such a great premise!

    1. This was a tricky story to write. It’s the story of an unstable young doctor’s son who yearns to be bad, but it’s also the life story of an indomitable old lady, as told through her sex life … all while avoiding being too explicit.

  11. Oh, those quietly sexy oboists! 🙂 My kitties sympathize with Effing. We had three digits in OK this past week and they spent most days just lolling on the floor (moreso than usual)

    1. I’ve written numerous sexy oboists in my stories, both male and female. Not sure why I keep picking on oboists, unless it’s because I am one. ;-).

  12. A hot sweaty flag?

    1. Appropriate for a white flag of sexual surrender, no?

  13. Smoothly written, as always!

    1. Coming from you, that’s a high compliment.

  14. Effing, you may come and live with me in England. It is cold and wet and the middle of June, for Heaven’s sake! Not being a musician, I had to Google glissando. Another new fact to tax my brain cells.
    Kathy may come to find that quiet, serious oboists may be the ones to watch. They always say to watch for the quiet ones! Love the last line.

    1. Speaking as a quiet, serious oboist, I must object — I am totally innocent and harmless (heh, heh, heh).

  15. LOL! Oh my goodness, poor Effing! It’s on the hot side where I live too (although not THAT hot) so no luck with that.

    I agree this is a well-written excerpt, enough to make me feel like a voyeur 0.0

    Marcia

    1. All novels are a form of voyeurism, if you think about it.

  16. Somebody bring Effing a fan, and one of those cooling mats, stat!

    I think he might have picked the wrong (or right, depending on how you look at it) sort of person to use as a test subject. Her memories have a definite sort of… wholesomeness, maybe… that I don’t think he expected.

    1. In the way of stories, he picked exactly the right person to teach him the life lesson he needs to learn.

  17. Why is he always volunteering for thankless tasks? What’s going on in the band room after hours? Maybe I need one of those memory-peeping gizmos. When do they go on sale?

    1. They’re on pre-order now for only $54,000,000.02. Be the first on your block to own one!

  18. Fun scene. I suspect Kathy will be learning why David has a habit of volunteering for thankless jobs. 🙂

    1. At a minimum, she’s about to provide positive reinforcement for his good habit.

  19. I like David. He seems to have a lot of self possession for a high school kid.

    1. Yeah, we oboists are an overall superior breed. 😉

  20. David sounds quite appealing.For a high school boy!

    1. She’s a high school girl, so she can be forgiven for finding him appealing.

  21. I’d offer you a stay in Canada, Effing, but I fear it’s pretty warm here, too. And this snippet was very well written! Though I agree with the voyeur comments. :S

    1. Voyeurism at third remove, like a recursive program that calls itself over and over, or like images in the mirrors in a barber shop. Kathy is a voyeur on her own memories–she isn’t actually living the moment, after all–and Aldous is a voyeur on her memories, and we’re voyeurs on them both.

  22. Effing should go to the mall, or the movies…or better yet, the library or bookstore! All nice places to visit with free air conditioning.

    Sounds like the pornographer is about to find out what really goes on in school band rooms…

    1. He prefers the air conditioned house.

  23. Love the last line. Hope it’s cooled a bit since the weekend!

    1. Yes, there’s a cooling trend and today is the coolest day in the next 10 days or so. It’s only 106.

  24. Love that last line. Poor cat. It hot here in Alabama as well. 🙂

    1. I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to an interesting snippet is to choose a good ending line and count back 10 sentences from there.

  25. A sexy, mysterious oboist? Oh, she’s a goner! 😉

    1. Yeah, we oboists can have that effect on women, he said modestly. A bestselling romance writer did dub me ‘Mr Valentine,’ thought that was when I was 15 years (and pounds) younger. ;-0

  26. Sorry Effing, it’s not much better in my neck of the woods. I do love me a sexy oboist, though. Curious how that turns out for Kathy.

    1. Effing can identify with “curious”. Come back next week at the same time, same station, for the next installment.

  27. I like David.

    And tell Effing that the rat pack can relate. They’re even too hot and miserable to torment Piper by looking at him.

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