Effing Feline Marks Stuff Down

Space cat-wewriwa

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf

Effing etching 2I, Effing Feline, has yet to received even a single order for one of his drawings, which were a steal at $97.62. Although appalled by the philistine tastes of WeWriWa folks, I’ve decided to seduce you by offering a bargain you can’t possibly refuse. This week only, I’m offering any two meowsterpieces for only $19124!

Effing etching

Today’s snippet continues from the short story, Thimbleriggers, contained in Future Love, Mr V’s upcoming collection of short stories. Ninety-year-old Kathy is reliving her earliest sexy memory, from when she was thirteen.

The forgotten cup of water spilled, drenching the lap of Kathy’s seersucker nightgown. She couldn’t move; her body was too clogged with outlandish, heart-pounding sensations. Kathy swallowed hard and scratched her mosquito bites, then kept touching her legs lightly because it felt so inexplicably good to do so.

“I’m gonna be rich,” Aldous crowed.

Kathy hid behind the Doric column until the babysitter fell asleep in her boyfriend’s arms, and then the memory went grey.

Aldous slipped off the helmet, recuperating while the breadbox processed the memory before nudging the old lady’s brain for the next one. He wiped his brow with a sleeve. He was sweating like an Eskimo in Egypt—and not because the room was warm.

Even better than the skin, if that were possible, were Kathy’s innocent, lust-flavored reactions, which ran the gamut from childlike shock though first-ever arousal. Like an actress whom the camera loved, mem-feeds adored this woman.

Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sundays posts.

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Effing Feline divider

Future Love is available for pre-order

Future love bA spaceman wins the woman of his dreams … but it’s too late. A crook invents a new form of pornography … but it teaches him about love, not sex. A man pursues his beloved beyond death … but finds only the evil in his own heart.

The SF short stories in Edward Hoornaert’s Future Love probe how the future will make today’s romance seem simple and tame by comparison.  Think that’s not possible?  You have much to learn…

If you crave stories that deal honestly with love’s potential for redemption, you’ll adore Future Love.  Seize tomorrow today – pre-order Future Love.

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53 comments

  1. Hmm. I wonder if Aldous is going to be hooked by his own invention!

    1. You have a keen mind, Kim!

  2. How delicious can you get? Wonderful scene and so Hollywood.

    1. I had a nibble on one of my books from a Hollywood producer. Nothing came of it. Sigh.

  3. Wow, it doesn’t take much to get Aldous worked up, does it? Wonderful, vivid scene.

    Tell Effing I’m sorry, but his prices are too high. I can get similar art from my cats and they work for treats.

    1. His greedy soul will be devastated.

  4. nancygideon · · Reply

    Great snippet, Ed! I’m still debating over which of Effing’s masterpieces to buy. Perhaps my two furr friends will help me pick.

    1. Wow, a potential buyer with deep pockets!

  5. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    I agree with Kim. It sounds like Aldous gets more enjoyment out of her memories than his customers.

    1. Well, he does have the volume turned to high….

  6. Is Aldous’ invention a sign that we are all going to enjoy sex vicariously in the future? Glad the invention isn’t around at the moment, or my face would be red from the idea of people tapping into my subconscious to get their kicks.

    Sorry, Effing, I’m afraid the market peaked on naive feline art a couple of years ago. You might have to be a little more realistic on your prices.

    1. Q: “Is Aldous’ invention a sign that we are all going to enjoy sex vicariously in the future?”
      A: Don’t we do that already? Like, isn’t that the foundation of your art, Rachel?

      Also: Effing be realistic? It is to laugh.

  7. You know, now I’m wondering what kind of personal life Aldous has had up till now that he so fervently chases sexual memories from other people.

    Effing, no offense to you, but my bunny also produces art so I really have plenty in the house. Like Christina’s kitties, my bunny will also work for treats.

    Marcia

    1. Marcia, feel free to offend Effing. It might help keep his ego under control.

  8. Sampling the wares, Aldous may be getting hooked.

    1. Imagine a young guy falling in love with a ninety-year-old woman… Do you think that would be a suitable punishment for a jerk like Aldous?

  9. I sense his comeuppance approaching! I hope.

    1. He deserves a comeuppance, doesn’t he? I enjoyed making him creepy, disgusting, and immature.

  10. “sweating like an Eskimo in Egypt” — awesome. What a great, perverse mind you have, Ed! LOL!

    1. You calling me a pervert, Monica?!

  11. I feel like Aldous could be getting hooked. A dangerous pastime… Effing’s drawings are adorable, but alas, his price is a bit… high. :p

    1. Effing is nothing if not unrealistic.

  12. Aldous has not yet learned that you never use your own product… Effing needs to meet my personal muse and editor, Hudson, who also happens to be a very philosophical service Maltese.

    1. Aldous has a great many things to learn!

  13. Exactly what Elizabeth said. Steamy excerpt! And Effing, what can I say…you know that all the best artists gained their fame and fortune posthumously.

    1. Let me see if I understand you, Rose. You’re saying I should invite the neighbor’s two pit bulls in to play with Effing, and then he’ll gain fame and fortune?

  14. Subtle steam at its best! Aldous is in dangerous territory. Effing, I’m no mathematician but I think you’re trying to sucker us.

    1. Clearly Effing is no mathematician, either. I think he lost a decimal place somewhere.

  15. Sweating like an Eskimo in Egypt. Brilliant! And that would be a lot of sweat lost, might I add. 😀

    1. I’m glad no one’s called me on the no-longer-politically-correct ‘Eskimo’.

  16. He’s enjoying the memories now, but I’m waiting for something to go wrong… Something always goes wrong, doesn’t it?

    1. This is fiction, so of course something goes wrong.

  17. chellecordero · · Reply

    Wow, I can’t help but wonder who is going to get sucked into a memory and trapped? This machine is actually kind of scary. Great snippet.

    Poor Effing, but it is all about the marketing and reaching the appropriate target. Now if he wants I could help for a mere 60% cut of the selling price…

    1. Well, perhaps not trapped in quite the way you mean….

  18. I think Aldous is going to want to keep this little invention all to himself. But how will he get more memory material? Very interesting questions here. Love the snippet!

    And Effing, I love your art–alas, my coffers are completely dry. Another day, my friend.

    1. You read his mind. At one point he thinks he might want to keep a memory for his personal collection, only to realize he can’t afford a personal collection.

  19. Considering this is just the warm up to the main, adult events, Aldous might want to turn the volume down on his gizmo. Or not. Sounds like he’s becoming addicted.

    1. Fellow writers are so perceptive.

  20. elainecsc2013 · · Reply

    He’s certainly enjoying himself.

    1. Yeah, this is his kind of thing.

  21. I wonder if real life will ever compare? 🙂

    1. Is reality ever as good as fiction? Good fiction, I mean?

  22. I loved this line: “He was sweating like an Eskimo in Egypt—and not because the room was warm.”
    Great snippet. What else will he learn? Much more I would think since these memories are of when she was only 13.

    1. Oh, those poor Egyptian Eskimos.

  23. I think this will backfire on him in a major way. Also, Effing those photos are beautiful, but alas, I spent all my money on my chocolate addiction. If only I knew about this yesterday… Nope, I probably still would have bought the chocolate. 😉

    1. But at least he’ll have fun before the backfire hits.

  24. Mosquito bites, ugh that’s not a good feeling. Funny how she is only focusing on being rich. Great scene!

    1. Agreed, not a good feeling, but a very childhood feeling; as an adult, I’ve never had a mosquito bite as memorable as the ones from my childhood.

  25. Poor Effin Feline! Btw, the review for Alien Contact for Idiots is live.

    1. Thanks so much, Lilyn!

  26. Oh, this is going to go down one hell of a slippery slope into addiction.

    1. At least it’s a fun waterslide for him.

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