Effing Feline Takes Drawing Lessons

Space cat-wewriwa

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf

I, Effing Feline, was annoyed when my pet human, Ed Hoornaert (aka Mr Valentine) said I needed a hobby so I didn’t just lie around all day (even though that’s what cats are supposed to do). He enrolled me in art lessons at Parks and Recreations, and it’s actually okay.  I dip my tail in paint, slap down a quick picture … and then go curl in Mr V’s lap without cleaning my tail.  Heh, heh, heh.

Once again, today’s snippet is from Future Love, an upcoming collection of short stories, and the story is Thimbleriggers, in which a crook invents a new form of pornography — with unintended consequences. The crook, Aldous, asks his aged subject whether she’s selling her sexy memories because she’s an exhibitionist. She says no.

“Then why you doing it? Nah, don’t bother answering — just sign the releases and let’s get started.”

“It’s my husband.”

Aldous jerked around, but no axe-wielding geezer doddered into the tiny room.

“He’s in University Research Hospital,” Kathleen said. “He must never find out about this.”

“Hey, my padre’s a large-sarge doctor at URH. Let me guess, you couldn’t afford the expensive new procedure Hubby needs, so Dad’s buddies froze him in medical stasis until you have the cash.” When she nodded, Aldous chuckled. “Dad would crap his scrubs if he knew him and me were tag teaming.”

Effing Feline again. Here are some of my first drawings. Framed, paw-printed copies are available for $97.62 each.
Effing etching

Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sundays posts.

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56 comments

  1. chellecordero · · Reply

    I kind of feel sorry for her, she really is desperate to help her hubby.

    (Effing, love the pics!)

    1. Yep, her motivation is strong.

  2. Love the pics, Effing!

    And the dialogue, Ed. Excellent characterisation of Aldous.

    1. I really enjoyed coming up with his slang and tough guy way of talking. It comes out in a passage that won’t be snippeted that he talks that way because he thinks that’s how pornographers should speak.

  3. Wonderful drawings, Ed!

    That Aldous–what a wheeler-dealer, but he does seem to have the skinny on how things operate. 🙂

    1. I think of him as having zero wisdom but a certain animal cunning.

  4. I really like the voice of this piece. Lively dialogue.

    Effing is a real Van Gogh.

    1. I’d say Effing is more like a “Van Gone.”

  5. Author Jessica E. Subject · · Reply

    Oh gosh! Poor Kathleen. That family really knows how to put people in dire situations.

    1. Hmm … what family is that?

  6. Great dialog!

    And the drawings are adorable. You have a very talented cat. 🙂

    1. I think his writing is even better than his drawing. After all, he’s a blogger.

  7. nancygideon · · Reply

    As always, I’m hooked, Ed. Actually I’m looking at two living self-portraits very similar to #2 and #3 from Effing’s talented paws. My muses, they call themselves.

    1. Nancy, maybe you need to wake your muses up so they get to work inspiring you.

  8. Excellent exchange! And I’m very, very impressed with the art, Effing! Much better than I could ever do.

    1. Both of the characters have their own aims in the conversation, so they’re kind of speaking past each other, rather than TO each other.

  9. Sad that she is having to sell her precious memories to buy medical treatment for her husband. This is when we Brits appreciate our National Health Service. Not perfect, but free at the point of use.

    Excellent paintings from Effing. You should be able to retire soon and live off the proceeds from his talent.

    1. Great point, Rachel — and that is indeed part of the story’s point. Having come from Canada, it’s so striking how much the cost of medicine weighs on Americans. So unnecessary, too.

  10. What a sad predicament to be in, but (equally sadly) all too credible.

    1. Yes, she’s up against a wall.

  11. Wow, I guess Aldous got his ethics from his dad. Hope she finds a way to get one over on both of them.

    Effing is very talented, as expected! You’re such a good dad- I would never spring for art lessons for my felines.

    1. What? You wouldn’t pay for a cat’s art lesson? And here I thought you were a decent human being! 😉

      1. Well, I got them piano lessons but they never practiced, so you can’t blame me for being leery of their level of commitment. 😺

  12. Touching reason, although she seems to be more business-like than sentimental.

    1. She has herself under control, that’s for sure.

  13. Aw, she does have a compelling reason. I hope things work out the way she plans. And love the drawings, feline. Now go wash your tail and let’s hope those were water-soluble paints!

    1. A 90-year-old woman needs a believable motivation to put herself into a pornographer’s clutches.

  14. daezarkian · · Reply

    Terrific dialogue, Ed! And I think Effing may have presented my next piece of wall art!

    1. You have very refined artistic taste … I guess.

  15. lol – but no axe-wielding geezer doddered into the tiny room – tweeted.

    1. Thanks for the tweet, Daryl.

  16. Why can’t Effing use his paws to paint? My cat uses his paw to drink water.

  17. It’s good that she has the option, I guess, but the reason she needs the money is so sad…

    1. Sad, yes, but not hopeless.

  18. Interesting storyline, well done snippet!

    1. Thanks, Veronica!

  19. Ah, so now we know her motivation. That’s really sad, actually. And yet you still manage to make it funny. Effing shows new talent on a daily basis.

    1. Sad, but a sufficiently strong motivation, I hope.

  20. elainecsc2013 · · Reply

    Great dialogue, and now we know what her motivation is.

    1. Characters who have a very definite personality can be fun to write, even if I’d hate Aldous if I knew him in real life.

  21. Business like but there is concern behind that motivation. I like it.

    And $97.62 for an Effing Feline original is a steal!!

    Tweeted.

    1. Hey, Victoria, none of that. No stealing Effing’s artwork!

  22. At least her heart is in the right place, though Aldous doesn’t seem to know much about tact. And I love the pics, Effing! 😀

    1. Aldous doesn’t know much about any of the kinder emotions … at least at the beginning of the story.

  23. Me, I’m the curious type (something Effing can probably relate to, and besides, I’m a Leo!)

    I want to know WHy her husband can’t know she’s sold her sexploits to the highest (only) bidder. Is it because he was in them? Or because he wasn’t? How kinky was/is she? What exactly is she selling?

    Inquiring mind, twitching whiskers.

    And my cat will not deign to draw me any pictures to grace my blog. She did, however, bring me a dead baby squirrel this week, and thoughtfully and bloodlessly arrange it parallel to my side of the bed – but I think she was trying to prove her worth in case this whole kitten thing is a replacement rather than an addition!

    1. Ahem. I think you may have totally and utterly missed the message your cat was trying to send you with the dead squirrel. You know the famous scene from the Godfather, with the dead horse’s head in bed? Yep, so does your cat, and if she could’ve finagled a horse’s head into your bed, she would have. She’s not ‘trying to prove her worth’, she’s warning you to get rid of the kitten, pronto. So beware!

  24. Love the innovative depth to this story! Effing, I only have $97.61. Can we barter?

    1. Effing says he’ll take it!

  25. Aww. Touching, albeit sad, reasoning for why she’s doing this. She must be very devoted to her husband. I love the irony between the two of them about this situation though. Nice snippet.

    1. Yes, she is, and her devotion to him is a big plot point.

  26. Interesting dialogue. Nice snippet.

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Iris.

  27. The things we do for love. *sigh* 😀 Great snippet, Ed.

    1. Exactly, Gem! Why just today I went to the grocery store to save Judi the trip. Talk about sacrifices! 😉

  28. That’s a pretty dreadful way to find the money. Her husband is probably going to hate himself for it when he finds out.

    Nice drawings Effing.

    1. That’s why she told Aldous that hubby must never find out.

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