Effing Feline was naughty (heh, heh, heh)

Space cat-wewriwa

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf

I, Effing Feline, was naughty.

Cousin Lee

Cousin Lee, who overstayed his welcome

My pet human, Ed Hoornaert (aka Mr Valentine) went out back to mow the lawn yesterday, while my visiting Cousin Lee (at right) watched birds through the window and licked his lips.

When Mr V came in for water, I batted a catnip mouse against the jamb … and when he went back outside again, gee, the door didn’t latch. How’d that happen? Heh, heh, heh. Slipping my paw into the crack, I pulled with all my mighty strength. Cousin Lee bounded out the door and over the six-foot brick wall around the yard. Bye bye, Cousin Lee, hello, peace and quiet!

To celebrate, I’ve chosen 10 sentences from an upcoming science fiction book of Mr V’s: a short story collection called Future Love. This snippet is from Thimbleriggers, in which a crook invents a new form of pornography — with unintended consequences.

The crook’s first ‘subject’ is the story’s romantic lead: a 90-year-old woman. Mature (90 years mature!) subject matter ahead.

“I imagine I understand better than you the physics and psychology involved in your, uh…device,” she said.

Aldous gave the ugly grey crate an affectionate nudge with his foot. “The research lab I bought it from called it a breadbox, ’cause of its size and shape, but me, I call it a mind-raper.”

Kathleen rotated a cheap-looking bracelet around and around her wrist. “Anyway, your, uh, device scans and digitizes my memories, which you’ll sell over the Internet to customers with those new home theater extension packages. They’ll experience my thoughts and emotions, as well as the full sensory range of my sexual experiences — visual, aural, olfactory, tactile.”

Internet? No one had used that term since before he was born. “Don’t forget taste, sister.” Aldous stuck his middle finger into his mouth, sucked noisily, and then laughed.

Effing Feline here again. One of you texted me, asking what happened to Cousin Lee. When last seen, he was chasing a Fiat down Broadway. Caught it, too. The driver got away, but the Fiat? Down the hatch in two bites. Heh, heh, heh.

Make sure you visit all the Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sundays posts.

<<  ===  >>

You're invited

…to an all-review book tour for Ed Hoornaert’s science fiction romance, Alien Contact for Idiots. The tour started last Tuesday with an insightful review by our own Elizabeth Alsobrooks, a Weekend Writing Warrior. Leave a comment at one of the stops and I’ll appreciate it — and you’ll also put yourself in the running for a $40 Amazon or Barnes and Noble gift certificate.AC for Idiots thumbnail

Here are the tour stops:

May 3: Book Bling
May 10: Sharing Links and Wisdom
May 10: The Recipe Fairy
May 17: Natural Bri
May 24: Lisa’s Louisiana Home
May 24: Am Kinda Busy Reading!
May 24: Booksomereads



  1. Quite inventive, I’d say…interesting snippet.

    1. The idea for this story came to me after seeing the title of one of Rob Sawyer’s books, Mindscan. Rob’s play on mindscanning is totally different than mine, though.

  2. Well, that’s a veerrry interesting device.

    1. Yep. It’s the pornography of the future … or at least that’s what young Aldous Wiggins thinks.

  3. Nice snippet and I agree–verrry interesting.

    1. Interesting, yes … but in real life it would be totally threatening. But then, I’m an old fart. My kids, who think that “I post, therefore I am,” probably have different ideas about privacy.

      Hmm. You know, I really like that “I post, therefore I am” line.

  4. What an interesting concept!! And a 90 year old would make a great subject, all that life experience… Add some creepy finger sucking, and a great and intriguing snippet.

    1. I love the idea of a 90-year-old protagonist. I like the unusual and I’m drawn to things that sane people would know better than to attempt … like turn a 90-year-old into a romantic heroine. 😉

  5. What an unusual protagonist! And who better to have had a life of interesting experiences.

    Since Cousin Lee looks like an evil Aslan, I’m sure he’ll be fine. I do fear for other Fiats however.

    1. I love your comment about Cousin Lee and Aslan. Aslan was, of course, a Christ figure, and when God created the world he said Let there be light — which is Fiat Lux in Latin. So if Aslan is an evil counterpart, i.e., the devil, it would explain why Lee is anti-Fiat..

      1. Hahaha! Awesome connection!

  6. Oh, he’s creepy.

    1. I’ve toned Aldous down, too. My critique group at the time felt he was TOO offputting.

  7. daezarkian · · Reply

    Terrifically twisted idea, Ed, I love it!

    1. ‘Twisted?’ Thank you, thank you!

  8. oooooooo what a nasty idea that device is, but perfect for fiction! Your mind goes to some strange places, Ed–fertile ground for sure.

    Effing, that was indeed naughty. Poor little cousin Lee could get hurt. Oh he ate a Fiat? Hmm…


    1. ‘Poor little cousin Lee’ — LOL.

  9. I’m not feeling warm and cuddly toward Aldous at all. Snake Oil salesman comes to mind. Wonderfully creepy concept and delivery, Mr. V.

    1. ‘Snake Oil salesman’ perhaps. Or perhaps simply ‘Snake’.

  10. Interesting! Is it suitable for Mother’s Day?

    1. There’s no reason one couldn’t record a warm and fuzzy memory about Mom and send it to her. Aldous, the first person to apply this experimental device for commercial purposes, has less-innocent uses in mind.

  11. Holly crap! Who would want to get a device like that on and share with stranger. I mean imagine everyone would know everything, like if she ever commit a crime, they’ll have all the witnesses they want. I can see that turn awful pretty quickly. “mind-raper” and I thought the mind was the only safe personal space that nobody could access.

    1. You’re taking this concept a step further and in interesting directions, Linda!

  12. Quite imaginative scene this week 🙂

    Under the influence of catnip – anything could “accidentally” happen.


    1. ‘Under the influence of catnip’ is not, however, a legal defense!

  13. That is one interesting device. Lots of inventive possibilities…

    1. One possibility: the end of all privacy.

  14. What an interesting device, with endless possibilities, both good and bad. (That name says it all “mind-raper”). Great snippet.

    1. My thanks to Robert J Sawyer (a friend and mentor) for inspiring the device. I saw the name of one of his books, Mindscan, and I had the idea.

  15. Intriguing device and leading lady.

    (My first thought about the device was that it reminded me of the — thing I can’t remember the name of — in Philip K. Dick’s novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (It was an empathy thing — people actually got physical bruises when the subject was hit by thrown rocks.)

    1. I can’t recall that device, even though I reread the book last year. As you sure it was DADES?

      1. Yep. It was one of my first PKD novels. (Just Googled it. “Mercerism uses “empathy boxes” to simultaneously link users to a collective virtual reality of communal suffering, centered on a martyr-like character, Wilbur Mercer, who eternally climbs up a hill while being hit with crashing stones.” Deckard’s wife was almost always using the empathy box.)

  16. Ewww, taste LOL. What an interesting device…and here the idea of a bracelet device had me picturing a FitBit. HA.

    And Effing Feline…you’ve been a very naughty kitty. Off to the corner with you! 🙂

    1. And while in time out, Effing would be chuckling kitty chuckles — heh, heh, heh.

  17. Thank goodness Effing is rid of cousin Lee at last. He had more than outstayed his welcome.

    Re the new contraption – I’m not sure I would want to know what is in the minds of most other people, and I certainly wouldn’t want them to know what is in mine! I’m sure it will come eventually. As you say, the concept of privacy is undergoing radical change.

    1. I hear you, Rachel … yet what do we as writers strive for, if not to share what’s in our minds?

  18. Intriguing scene. The concept leads to plot lines scurrying through my head. Tweeted.

    1. That’s how I felt when I saw the title of Rob Sawyer’s book, Mindscan. Without even reading the book, I started this story.

  19. Ha! I just knew Effing Cat wasn’t going to let that pesky cousin get the best of him. Good thinking, Effing! And I thoroughly enjoyed the hilarious excerpt from Future Love. Have fun on the rest of your review tour! Some good stops ahead!

    1. But the best stop of all is already over, right?

  20. elainecsc2013 · · Reply

    That’s one interesting device.

    1. Yep, that it is.

  21. What a horrifying nick-name he’s given his invention… I wonder if people would really enjoy it, though–I think mostly they want a fantasy, and this sounds like it would be too real.

    1. Very insightful comment, Caitlin. 😉

  22. Wow–what an imagination you have! And great job writing a perfectly disgusting and unlikable character–Aldous. 🙂

    That Effing…smart cat. Sometimes a kitty just needs a little quiet time, you know?

    1. Thank you very much for saying my characters are disgusting and unlikable. Sheesh! 😉

  23. Quite a device there! It sends one person’s feelings to another person so he can experience it for himself. Reminds me of the 1983 movie Brainstorm a little bit (more sophisticated, though). Great concept!

    1. I never saw that movie. Maybe I’ll try to rent it.

  24. Gotta say, the name doesn’t sell it for me. However, the function is creative and the snippet as a whole is great. Thanks for sharing, and have fun with your blog tour!

    1. I don’t know if ‘fun’ is the right word, especially as I scheduled another tour right after this one; the second tour is for Escapee. These things are a bit of work, you know? Worse, I dislike talking about myself or my books; I’d much prefer that book sell themselves without any effort on my part. But I’ve got to force myself.

  25. Quite some device he’s got there. Interesting.

    1. Glad it caught your attention, Iris.

  26. Daelyn Morgana · · Reply

    Well that’s different. I love how it’s described as ugly yet he gives it an affectionate nudge. Nice touch. I didn’t expect the 90 year old either, that’s for sure!

    1. 90-year-olds are painfully underrepresented in modern fiction. We need to be careful or they’ll form advocacy groups that target us artists. 😉

  27. chellecordero · · Reply

    Pornography of the future, wow, lol – kind of a dirty Total Recall interlude. Interesting for sure.

    Effing, I think you are playing a dangerous game, cousin Lee might find his way back with a bad case of Fiat-indigestion and we all know how difficult a grumpy character that would make him.

    1. Total Recall — good comparison. The original Philip K. Dick story the movie was based on was called “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale.” Great title.

  28. Wow, this sounds like a story I’d really love. So, will the images feature the people whose memory they belong to or will they be anonymous? Because, other than the privacy issues, I think this is a great alternative to porn, which objectifies its subjects, IMO. More than you wanted to know? 😉

    Great snippet, and I hope Cousin Lee isn’t lost forever!

    1. Privacy issues are just the beginning of the problems with this as a viable form of pornography, as sweet little Aldous will find out.

  29. Naughty indeed. Nice snippet, Ed.

    1. Thanks for stopping by.

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