Effing Feline, NaNoWriMo # 1

Space cat-wewriwa

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior posts on Mr. V’s behalf

I, Effing Feline, the Most Literary Cat in the Entire Universe (c), have watched in exaspurration as my pet human, Edward Hoornaert, aka Mr Valentine, wastes time writing a novel in a month. Do you have any idea how little he’s petted me?  The man is falling down on his job.

In retaliation, I’m switching from a thoroughly edited excerpt to a raw ten sentences, written in just the last week and not yet edited. That’ll show you, Mr V.

The heroine, Dusty, is a tech writer working with alien humans (Kwadrans) on a interstellar spaceship prototype. The installation is evacuated following a bomb threat. Dusty thinks she knows where on the ship the bomb is hidden, and she’s risking her life to find it.

So is someone else.

It was a man—or rather, a man’s legs, stuck in the tunnel leading to the bomb; apparently one lone security guard felt that duty overrode fear.  Dusty shone her flashlight on him.  “What are you doing?”

“Take my pants off.”

Dusty blinked in surprise.  “As pickup lines go, that one’s really horrible.”

“An American female,” he said with a groan.  “Spirits save me.”

“A Kwadran male with an attitude problem.  God save me.”

Effing Feline again. A time bomb is ticking, he’s trapped because his pants are caught on something — and they’re spouting their prejudices against each other. Idiots.

Mr V tentatively titles this work Alien Contact for Heroines, but ‘heroines’ is just plain wrong. If Dusty gets killed by this bomb, who’ll pet her cat? Repeat after me, humans: a heroine is a woman who prioritizes petting and feeding her cat.

Make sure you read the snippets by other great weekend writing warriors.

Alien Contact for Heroines will be Book 4 in the Alien Contact for Idiots series. Book 3 is currently with beta readers.

  • Alien Contact for Idiots
    What’s a woman gonna do when she’s quarantined for three weeks with an Out-of-this-World alien?
  • Alien Contact for Kid Sisters
    Fleeing bloodthirsty rebels, the queen’s sister finds a hero to save her … or is he kidnapping her, instead?
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43 comments

  1. Poor, poor Effing! My cats can sympathize. Petting frequency does seem to go down during NaNoWriMo. Though they get snacks whenever I do, so their complaints aren’t valid, as usual.

    These two in your snippet are off to a great start, as usual. 🙂

    1. Since when did a cat like Effing need a complaint to be valid?

  2. My sympathies Effing Feline. Some humans just don’t get it.
    Mr V, raw and unedited? I wish my raw and unedited was like yours!

    1. This meet-cute was one of the nuggets that inspired the book: the hero’s first words being “take my pants of.” So the scene was well thought out beforehand.

      As for their dialogue, it is almost too bald a statement of the weaknesses they need to overcome. Because of their wounds, they both have good reasons to dislike the other’s nationality.

      1. I find that some sections of writing do gestate for a long time. So that when the do get written, they flow.
        Still doesn’t take away from the mastery.

  3. Ha! Those danged Kwadran men. Such attitudes. lol.

    I really think Effing needs his own book. 🙂

    1. Oh jeez, now you’ve done it, Teresa. When Effing reads your comment he’ll use me for a scratching post if I don’t write a book about him. Thanks loads!

  4. LOL, nice. Funny scene, love how these characters interact with one another.

    1. As I said above, the hero’s first words to the heroine were one of the things that inspired this story.

  5. Karen Michelle Nutt · · Reply

    Loved the snarky banter.

    1. The snarky banter hides some of the lessons these two need to learn about prejudice.

  6. This one’s a winner. Conflict and humor right up front. And I love how Effing knows what he wants in a heroine.

    1. Ah yes, the wisdom of felines.

  7. excellent snappy dialogue and humor here. I love the personalities of all your heroines. they make you grin

    1. In my writing I’m interested in characters more than anything else While I want my heroes to be memorable, it’s my heroines I fall in love with. Perhaps that comes from me being a straight male?

  8. daezarkian · · Reply

    I tried the “Take my pants off” line a couple of times, and was surprised at how well it worked. At getting me kicked out of bars. Oh, well.

    Feline, tell Ed to keep up the good work. And if he doesn’t pet you soon, crawl up his pant leg. Humans love that.

    1. We especially love the climb-up-the-pants routine if cats use plenty of claws.

  9. Ha! This is a great exchange, These two seem well-matched:)

    1. After a rocky start, yes, they’re well matched.

  10. One of our cats must be friends with Effing. She will sometimes walk up to somebody and chomp them on the leg, for no apparent reason other than it’s fun – for the cat!

    Hoping you pick up from here next week. It’ll be interesting to see how those two manage to get out of the situation alive!

    1. That’s not too horrible, just as long as your cat never takes a hankering to catch owls.

  11. May I borrow that purrfect opening line, please and thank you! Love, love it and all that follows. The End.

    1. Keep in mind what t.s. elliot said about great writers. Don’t borrow the line, steal it!

  12. I’ll take my hat off to you – Great snippet of a first meeting.- take my pants off!

    1. I was about to write something along the lines of ‘it shouldn’t be your hat you remove.’ But that would be rude, so I won’t.

  13. Why do I get the feeling things are only going to go downhill from here? Fun snippet. Good luck with NaNo!

    1. Considering that they have a time bomb to dispose of in just a few minutes, I hope things don’t go downhill too much.

  14. I like how he feels just labeling her is enough, and she adds a qualifier about his attitude. I don’t know which one that makes more open-minded, but they’re not doing so well here!

    1. They both have reasons to dislike each other’s nationality, and it’ll take them the whole book to overcome those reasons.

  15. chellecordero · · Reply

    I love this snippet, especially from the pickup line quip. One suggestion, I think you should just leave this as a man stuck in the tunnel, I was envisioning a torn apart body when you switched it to a man’s legs. Hie request to remove his pants I think will imply (whether she complies or he has to explain it to persuade her)

    BTW, I agree that Effing needs his own story and one of my cats is sitting on the chair back behind me tapping my head as he reads over my shoulder, I think Effing is becoming his hero, G-d save me.

    1. Leave him in the tunnel? But, but … That would be murder! He’s facing a bomb that’s about to go off in a few minutes. . Worse, much, much worse, without my hero, I have no book!

  16. Clever exchange of dialog here…love the banter. Quite an opening “hello”. I’ve heard a lot of lines, but never that one, LOL. This should be quite the intriguing scene. Happy NaNoing!

    1. Happy NaNoing to you as well, Rose.

  17. Interesting set up for whatever comes next. I liked it, loved the dialog. Always must admire hero/heroine who can banter in the face of a ticking time bomb, as it were. Great snippet!

    1. Dusty, the heroine, is quite nervous, but that isn’t enough to stop her quips. In fact, quips are her way of coping.

  18. Mr V – that poor deprived kitty needs some attention.

    And I really did laugh out lout at your snippet 🙂

    1. But perhaps the cat needs too much attention?

  19. Absolutely love the line – as pick up lines go…..I can just hear the snarkiness in the voice.
    Great snippet. Best of luck on NaNo.

    1. Thanks Daryl … I’ll need luck. Oh, barring unforeseen circumstances I’ll write 50K, but that isn’t my goal. I want to finish or nearly finish the first draft, which will probably be ~70K for a book that ends up 80-90K. So far I’m just barely on track.

  20. Well, lucky you to have a cat to write on your behalf. Somehow I don’t think I’d ever get the dog to do the same for me. My keyboard would be covered in slobber and hair. Ah well. Great snippet. Can’t wait to read more. 🙂

    1. My dog would never sit still long enough to write. I gave her a cameo in the MS that out with beta readers, and mostly what she does is run around. Very typical.

  21. Hi Ed! I’ve been out of pocket for a few weeks but wanted to stop by and say I enjoyed this little snippet of flirtation! I think you have a romance novel in you…

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Tamara. I definitely have romance novels in me … and out of me. My first three (published) novels were Silhouette Special Editions.

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