Effing Feline, Recidivist

Space cat-wewriwa

Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior posts on Mr. V’s behalf

I, Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, tried to behave myself. I failed, so of course I gave up. This week I scratched the couch where Ed Hoornaert, aka Mr. Valentine, couldn’t see. I barfed up furballs under the bed, in a closet, and in a shoe. I scratched the mail lady, delivering a new network router. There should be horns on my picture. Yeah!

Today’s snippet continues the opening of Mr. V’s WIP, Alien Contact: Becoming Human. Last week, our heroine was born in a forest, fully grown and ready to kill.

I stood on a house-sized slab of mossy granite.  Rain blessed my face as I gazed straight up through a ragged opening in the evergreens—the birth canal through which I’d been born?  A wall of prickly underbrush, a meter or more high, ringed the slab with no exit.  A jailbreak, then, was the first test of my worthiness for glory—but how?

The granite was craggy, like a miniature mountain, so I cautiously climbed its highest peak.  Pleased with my strength and agility, I stood there like a totem pole, one-point-seven meters above my birthplace.

Green-grey light revealed a hushed immensity.  Starved of sunlight, the ground beyond the slab contained only a few stubby plants, but fallen logs and moss-covered boulders made leaping over my jail cell walls suicide.

But over to my left was a tiny patch of flat forest floor.  Could I leap over the bushes and land there?

devil catEffing Feline again. While you were reading, I found these neat-o cat horns online. Do you think should I order them?

Oh, and be sure to check out the snippets by great weekend writing warriors.



  1. ‘Starved of sunlight’ – magnificent phrasing. Very cool Ed!
    Um, Effing? Thugs don’t wear horns: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cabg53oxsp0

    1. Oh dear, I’m afraid that video link might Effing ideas. I don’t mean good ideas, either.

  2. Kim’s right – great description, Ed. I sense our heroine may employ some gravity defying action here to escape.

    1. Considering that she nearly fell on her first step, she just might need something special to help her.

  3. How big is she? Why are logs and mossy boulders a problem?
    PS, our cats are more daring – their hairballs are out in the open.

    1. She’s normal size, but since she’s planning to leap over the ‘walls’ and land on the forest floor, they’d get in the way. I should make clearer her intention to leap.

  4. Sounds like a rather unorthodox birth and first steps. Hopefully her judgement and depth perception are well-developed.

    Normally I’m not in favor of putting hats/clothes/horns on cats, but in this case, it’s richly deserved. What a little criminal!

    1. Effing isn’t a criminal, he’s just misunderstood. 😉

  5. Breathtaking start to your new story. You’ve written it so well, I can believe in her innate ability to leap tall buildings with a single bound.

    1. This is the reaction I hoped I’d get. Thanks!

  6. I love the colors that you evoke in this snippet!

    1. Thanks, Tamara. I love that ‘hushed immensity’ line.

  7. The cat with horns does not look pleased.

    I’m finding it tricky to follow how a creature can think so cognizantly immediately after birth. It makes me wonder if it’s amnesia after falling to Earth?

    1. Good, good–as long as the trickiness isn’t overwhelming. She’s supposed to be mysterious, even inexplicable, and you don’t find out her entire story until the third act. In the meantime, think Arnold in Terminator, dressed as a young woman.

  8. Karen Michelle Nutt · · Reply

    Wonderful imagery. Give a whole new meaning to ‘Born ready’. 🙂 Enjoyed the snippet.

    1. Ready and raring to kill.

  9. Nice snippet! The description is great – very easy to visualize and get lost in the scene.

    And please tell Effing Feline, that I think those horns would be quite becoming! 🙂

    1. If I tell Effing he’ll probably hit me up for a loan, because he’s too tight-pawed to spend his own money.

  10. Love the use of language. The cat looks pissed off. You should prepare yourself for an attack.

    1. Devil cats gotta do what devil cats gotta do.

  11. The description of the surrounding area was excellent. I could really visualize the barriers and possibilities! Great snippet.

    1. I’m relieved to hear it. I know Pacific Northwest rain forests so well that it is, incongruously, hard to describe them in a few words.

  12. Quite an interesting character- born fearless and agile. All sorts of intriguing questions abound in this reader’s mind.

    1. SF romance readers seem to love kick-ass heroines. I’ve toyed with variations of that stereotype several times–Tompa Lee in the Tompa Lee trilogy, and Princess Lakshmi in The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station–but this heroine is the most kick assy of all.

  13. It would be quite a leap… but I get the feeling that it’s possible.

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Caitlin. Or is the name really Bruce? 😉

  14. elainecsc2013 · · Reply

    He’s the hero. Bet he can do it. Nice descriptive snippet.

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Elaine.

  15. Another great snippet that pulls me along and leaves me curious to find out how the heroine is going to deal with the situation. Great description.

    1. I hope the rest of the MS (currently in rewrites) can keep the momentum going.

  16. You are definitely in a cat’s mindset here. Besides that being so wonderfully done, your writing style blows me away. I can feel the whiskers twitching!!

    1. Whiskers twitching? Did I forget to shave?

  17. chellecordero · · Reply

    Totally immersed in the “birth” allegory, can’t help but wonder though how much of the story is symbolic and how much is factual. I need to keep reading more

    Love the horns!

    1. Interesting reaction, Chelle. Thanks for sharing it.

  18. I’m in love! I almost fell off the bed laughing. This wicked feline has indeed earned her horns.
    I really miss my little fart-fueled feline, whom I had to have put to sleep last month due to kidney failure. He wasn’t deliberately devious, though, just mischievous.
    I found your hilarious blog via Weekend Writing Warriors. My team and I can be found at peppersfetch dot blogspot dot com

    1. Welcome to Weekend Writing Warriors! I’ll let you in on a secret: Effing is my virtual cat. My last cat died 17 months ago because of kidney failure (like your cat) and since I’ve developed allergies that set off my asthma, we haven’t replaced him. I’m still a cat person, though, and always will be.

  19. nancygideon · · Reply

    “Rain blessed my face” – that’s some gorgeous imagery there, Ed! Effing should be pleased.

    1. I’m hinting at a baptism. I didn’t want to make it too obvious, though, and if readers don’t make the connection, that’s fine.

  20. Hehehe… love the effing feline. I loved the snippet as well, it has a great voice to it.

    1. Thanks very much, Kristy!

  21. I love the descriptiveness and the mystery – including why she seems to think in such human terms when she’s just arrived.

    My mind is testing all kinds of theories. Has she or whomever sent her done extensive research? Is she human down to her brain’s cultural content?

    My inquiring mind wants to know….

    We can’t be too hard on Effing – he TRIED, after all, no matter how briefly or ineffectively. =)

    1. You’re thinking along the lines I want readers to think. Perfect.

      As for Effing…yes, he’s very trying.

      1. I’m guessing Effing might say the something about you….

  22. Oh man…Fart Fueled Flying Feline, where have you been all my life? I wish it hadn’t taken me this long to discover your blog. Thankfully that situation is now remedied! 🙂

    1. Wow, high praise indeed, Mr. Saurus. Welcome to my world.

  23. I quite like reading through a post that can make people think.
    Also, thank you for allowing for me to comment!

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